The Princess, the Heiress and the Martial Pacifist
by Lord Mendasuit
Summary: The daughter of a powerful and feared figure, the last heir to an once illustrious clan and a massively strong, usually mild tempered boy with episodes of psychotic rage... perhaps it wasn't the best idea to put them in a team together, even if it sounded good on paper.
1. Problems in Paradise

I figured I'd better start with a warning.

This fic is a multicrossover of the 'X Characters Replace the Canon Team 7' kind. Or at least, inspired by that.

If you've read Three Jerks and a Scarecrow, the other fic in a similar style I've done (and still am working on as of this moment), then you know I don't do the usual "Team 7 inexplicably changes' stuff, and instead at least try to present the changes in such a way that the characters growing into who they are is believable. This is basically a gender flipped version of that, because I like screwing with people's genders.

Here, I'm gonna outright start by showing how the characters became the way they are, starting with Naruto, of course, because everyone knows that the female Naruto is the sexiest/cutest girl in the manga, depending on her age, and I have a weakness for cute things.

**Problems in Paradise**

* * *

A steady, slow hand carefully drew complex and complicated shapes on a flat, otherwise perfectly smooth and featureless surface. A cubic room, six meters in every direction from the center, was covered from ceiling to floor and in every wall by strange markings, runic etchings whose meaning was a secret closely guarded by time, that which eventually claims all things.

The blonde woman the hand belonged to was expressionless, her pale face betraying nothing. She could've been said to be pretty, with aristocratic, sharp features that showed a member of the noblesse featured in her parentage. Beautiful, even. However, her features were marred. Her ears, they were too long and pointed, almost like knives, and her eyes... her eyes were terrifying to all but the bravest of men, for her stare was as dead as any corpse's. Even its coloration was simply wrong. A black pupil, a red iris and finally, a black schlera to surround it, on each of her eyesockets.

Pale blond hair framed her face and cascaded down her back, swaying slightly as she rose to her full, if unimpressive, height. Her every step caused the ragged cloak that she wore to ripple as if it were liquid, giving a vague approximation of her feminine body.

She moved until she was a the center of the room, in which a ritualistic circle had been prepared, five lit and melting candles set in a pentagram around her. She sat, cross legged, and closed her eyes. Her hands moved outwards, until she held them level with her shoulders. Soon after, a pair of blades materialized on each hand. Terrifying things, chipped and rusted from overuse, a result of having been bathed in the blood of countless victims. So soaked in blood were they that they were dripping the vital fluid even before they had rent any flesh.

The sound of blades cutting the air could be heard, as they moved with incredible speed and unerring accuracy, and they were suddenly held above the belly of their wielder, in a clear position to be driven through it.

A squelching sound broke the silence, and the splatter of blood followed it, but soon, the world faded to deafening silence, as the markings in the room began to shine softly. The sound of the little droplets of blood that were hitting the growing pool on the floor was soon overtaken by the hum of the markings, which began to grow brighter and more intense with each passing second.

"... Finally... I shall have... peace..."

* * *

Namikaze Minato was many things.

He was the fourth Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, also known as Konoha, short for the name it had been given in the old language, Konohagakure no Sato, which translated to what was the city's true name. Despite it not actually being a village, but a city, but Minato digressed. This title came with its duties and privileges. He was to protect and nurture its society, he was to regulate and control it, ensuring a brighter future for its inhabitants. In return, he enjoyed a higher paycheck than any of his subjects, barring those who took high risk missions on a regular basis. He enjoyed the position of authority, and its perks, as much as he put up with its disadvantages and the tasks it forced upon him.

Minato was also a teacher, tasked with the nurturing and educating of Konoha's genin, a trio of which had been entrusted to him. He had enjoyed much with his team, and he was certain that they had enjoyed their time with him, as well, but he had failed in his duties as a teacher. Two of his students lay dead, both in defense of what they held dear, and whilst Minato could not be prouder of them, he could not help but admit, in his heart of hearts, that it was his fault that either of them had met their end, but he digressed again.

Beyond a Hokage and a Teacher, Minato was a Shinobi, a Ninja. He had all the abilities of one and, infact, even more than the abilities that the grand majority could ever hope to achieve, for he was a genius in the arts of a Shinobi, and far outpaced all of his peers. In return, he faced harsher challenges and was given more difficult duties. The prices of greatness were many.

Any of those three would've defined Namikaze Minato in the eyes of the public.

But there was another word that could define him, and what Minato wanted to be more than anything else. More than Hokage, more than a Teacher, more than a Ninja...

Minato was a Father.

First and foremost, he was a father.

It was for this reason that he looked down upon his neonate daughter, and his face twisted into a grimace of sorrow and anger, even as she let out her first cries. Justborn, and she had already had an attempt on her life. By the same monster who had ripped the Kyuubi from the seal on his wife's belly, at its moment of weakness. The monster who had fled, as soon as Minato disrupted his control over the Kyuubi. Minato was certain the monster wouldn't notice the Hiraishin seal until it was too late, but for now...

Minato swallowed.

It was this, the moment he dreaded. His duties, as a Ninja, as a Hokage, as a Teacher, they all conflicted with his wish to be the best possible father that he could be. He knew what had to be done. He knew what his actions would entail. It was for this reason that he called Gamabunta, and it was for this reason that he led the gigantic toad to battle against the creature that frightened every sane man in the world.

He hadn't been a father for more than sixteen minutes, and already he had failed as such. He was a genius, one who set new records in every category, and this was no different, he supposed. His failures, they had always been catastrophic, hadn't them?

"I'm sorry, Naruto-chan... I'm sorry you had me as your father... I wish... I wish I could've given you the life you deserved," he said, his throat constricting, threatening to cut off his words. Gamabunta shifted under him, his size-appropriate sword deflecting one of the Kyuubi's paws, stopping it from shredding the toad and at the same time killing Minato and his baby.

His wife was on her feet already, and he felt his lips twitch upwards. Her resilience was legendary, and her strength of will unparalleled. A wild, untamable beast, rampaging through life... Uzumaki Kushina was the same way she had been when Minato had fallen in love with her, all those years ago, when he'd assisted her escape from the Kumo Shinobi that had captured her.

Their plan was already in motion. Kushina's chains snapped into action, their strength more than enough to restrain the Kyuubi for a short time without issue, becoming progressively harder the longer she held it. Minato had to work fast.

However, as it thrashed, snarled and roared, the Kyuubi's eyes suddenly came to rest on Minato, and for a moment, Minato thought it had recognized him as a threat

What Minato saw in the Kyuubi's eyes shocked him to the core. He could see an immense terror had gripped the beast, and it redoubled its attempts at breaking out of the bondage Kushina had put it in. Minato hadn't felt the beast's gaze upon himself, and so his eyes shifted down.

His child?

Did the Kyuubi understand that his child would serve as its next prison? It was likely, Kushina had said that the beast was intelligent enough to hurl insults at her every time she met it...

But still... that wasn't desperation born of a fear of becoming imprisoned once more. No, that was the kind of terror Minato inspired in Iwa Shinobi. And so Minato looked at his daughter, truly looked at her, focusing each and everyone of his senses upon her.

What he found... Minato wouldn't say.

But his plans changed, right then and there, and he found himself having more than a little hope for the future, and for redeeming himself. Perhaps... perhaps he hadn't yet failed entirely as a father.

* * *

"OJOU-SAMA!" shrieked a dark haired woman in a rather ragged and torn long and puffy black dress. The remains of an apron and lace ornaments littered her dress. She was on her knees, extending her right hand forward, towards the object of her fright and desperation, for in front of her, was a man.

The man was a rather muscular person, tanned and sporting numerous scars. He wore baggy pants and a simple, black tank top. What was important was what he held in his hands. In one hand was a blonde child, a girl of a mere four years, with ruby red eyes and a frightened expression on her face. He held her close to his chest with his left hand. In his right, there was a simple throwing knife, a Kunai, which he held with its tip pressed against the throat of the girl he held in the other arm. "If anyone moves, I'll slit her throat."

"Damn!" yelled a man in a dark suit, with silver hair that defied gravity and any notion of styling, eyes narrowing as he dropped the man he himself was holding, a rather beaten up looking sod, who might've once been wearing a getup similar to the muscular man. "Naruto-chan..." he muttered. "We'll get you out of this. I swear."

"Now, nice and easy, you'll all let my teammates go, and nobody has to get hurt."

"N-Naruto-sama! Are you okay?" asked the woman in the dress, looking at the blonde girl, who was clearly petrified by fear.

The large man laughed. "I haven't even touched her yet," said the guy, hoisting her up a little and moving his large hand until his fingers met around her waist. "Such a tiny little thing she is, feels like a doll. Heh. I used to break my little sister's dollies when she would annoy me, though I preferred squeezing their little heads right until they popped!" the man said, laughing boisterously as he did.

"You won't get away with this, you fiend!" another woman in a dress, this one without the apron or lace ornaments being damaged in any way, other than being dirtied by specks of blood in some cases, spoke, her purple hair swaying with the slight wind that filtered in through the large windows in the dance hall of the Namikaze Manor.

"To be fair, none of us really expects to survive," the large man said, grinning. "Though you're gonna let my team get away, unless you want me to see how much pressure this here dolly can take before she pops..."

"Very well. Your teammates will be allowed to retreat without pursuit. As soon as you let Ojou-sama down," the woman in the torn dress said, taking a step back and focusing her eyes on nothing but the man who held a knife to a child's throat.

"I'm not stupid, ya dumb broad. We've all got radios on us. As soon as they give me the all clear, I'll let the Brat down, and then you can kill me," the man said. "We got what we wanted, anyway. That blond jackass knows his spawn ain't as safe as he thinks it is."

"Very well. Ojou-sama's life is much too valuable for us to risk foul play, as you might well know."

"What- Uchiha-sama! You can't trust this man!" the woman in the pristine dress said.

"Silence, Uzuki-kun," the woman said, shaking her head. "As I said, Ojou-sama's life is far too valuable to gamble with."

"Uchiha-taichou is correct," Kakashi said.

The two men who had been engaged stood on their feet, and with nasty grins on their faces, calmly jumped out a window, smashing it as they went through, clearly intent on getting away. It was an agonizing half hour that followed, spent entirely in silence, as each of the three in servant gear awaited for a moment in which the slightest twitch that implied violence was made by the large man.

However, the silence was broken by the man's radio, strapped to his waist, buzzed to life. "All clear, cap'n! We're out of Konoha and heading back to base, over and out! It's been a pleasure, sir!"

The tanned man grinned an insane grin. With a flick of his wrist, the kunai in his hand was buried in Naruto's throat.

He didn't survive much longer, as he was instantaneously pounced on by two of the servants, while the third, their leader, quickly picked up the body of the injured child and, at a frantic pace, began running, shouting for medical assistance.

* * *

Life continued.

Naruto smiled widely as she looked at her birthday gifts, a mountain piled nearly sky high, or so it looked from the limited perspective of a child of six. "Mikoto-obachan, I think there's even more than last year!" she said with a cheerful tone.

"There are! I had Kakashi-kun count them, Naruto-chan, and he said there's sixty two gifts this year," she explained with a kind smile, grabbing one that seemed precariously close to falling out before putting it back at the foot of the pile. She smiled and walked around the pile, absent mindedly running one eye over the secure confines of the girl's room. Mikoto wouldn't ever have guessed that a girl could have a room that was so stereotypically girly. Plush animals, in particular foxes for reasons she knew very well, littered it, ranging from hand-sized to a life-sized stuffed bear, and all the pastel colored small equines one could think of.

It was a far cry from her own room, a spartan affair with little to decorate it but the first set of Shinobi tools she'd gotten, now blunted and made useless by age and overuse, as well as her old ANBU mask and a few photographs detailing the moments in life that she had cherished.

"Did you ask Daddy if he could come home tonight? He has to! It's my birthday!" she said, looking up with an expectant, almost painfully hopeful expression in her face.

Seeing it cut Mikoto deep, it made her heart ache, because she knew the answer. "He had a lot of work, Naruto-chan, you know he works very hard to make Konoha a fit place for you to rule as a princess," she explained, trying to give her kindest, warmest smile.

Naruto nodded, though her smile became noticeably strained. She was not yet anywhere near good enough to lie to a genin, much less so a jounin who'd spent a six years long tour of duty as an ANBU before taking this assignment. Her chances of succesfully lying to Mikoto were even less than they would've been otherwise, as she had been Naruto's primary caretaker for exactly a week less than the time she'd been alive.

"He works really hard," Naruto said, though she sounded decidedly less than enthusiastic about it.

Mikoto winced at the tone, but decided to instead encourage Naruto to go check her presents. It was a good thing Naruto's room was the largest in the entire manor, rivaling the size of a dinning room, even, because otherwise, all of her gifts could never have fit. Somehow, however, Mikoto didn't think that Naruto felt that the fifteen gifts that her father had sent her made up for the fact that he'd been absent, only arriving at his home well past the wee hours of the morning.

Poor Naruto had valiantly tried to remain awake to greet her daddy, whom she had only briefly seen that morning, but alas, she had been unable to remain long enough. Mikoto tucked her in.

* * *

Life nevertheless continued.

"Three. THREE. THREE!" Minato yelled, his fist smashing into the desk that had served the three Hokage before him, and then he began to furiously pace around his office. "I have no solid proof - nothing to initiate a war over. But I know it was them. They tried with Kushina, so of course they'd try their hand at getting Naruto, as well," he said, his hands beginning to run through his hair. "There were three attempts on her life in just last month! How is this happening, Sensei? How do they keep doing this? I've tightened security up immensely, how do they keep slipping in!?" he asked, planting his hands on his desk and looking through his bangs to stare at Jiraiya, who was sitting on the windowsill of the window that was behind the Hokage's seat.

"It's all attempts to get at you, of course," stated the white haired Super Pervert, also known as the gallant Toad Sage of Myoboku-zan. "Iwa's tried their hand at her, what, sixteen times now?"

"Seventeen. Itachi-kun intercepted an assassin trying to give her a poisoned apple at the market," Minato said, gruffly. "I dont know what to do. I don't know how to protect her. Should I seal her up in the mansion, never let her out where she could be hurt? I can't do that to her... that would be even worse than being in constant danger," he said, knowing how being holed up inside of the Hokage tower with no ability to go out made HIM feel, and he was an adult!

"Anyway, they're probably trying to provoke you into doing something rash. It's clearly fodder they don't mind losing. Infiltrating into somewhere is a lot easier when you aren't worried about keeping an exit route. But they've got the ball on their court, as of now. Going to war is not an option. We're not in condition to fight a war, and they're bound to have developed some form of countermeasure to you by this point. We can't even rely on using the threat of war, since they know Konoha took way more damage than it should have in the last war," Jiraiya said, sounding just as he most likely felt, rather angry at the entire situation. He clicked his tongue, as if to show his displeasure at the world. "maybe it's about time you began training her?"

"What are you suggesting? The academy starts for her in a year. She's not ready yet, physically or mentally, to handle that kind of strain... Plus, it has to be her choice whether she wants to be a shinobi or not. I won't force this on her," he said, gesturing towards the dozens of papers that littered his desk. "I... I don't think I want her to be a Shinobi, sensei-"

"Don't be dumb, Minato. You knew the life you condemned her to when you sealed the fox in her!" Jiraiya said, hotly. "Besides... It's her. I know it's her. It has to be. She will be the one, Minato, but in order to achiever her destiny, she has to be strong!"

"Screw destiny!" Minato yelled back, hotly.

Jiraiya sighed. "If nothing else, Minato, at least get someone to teach her how to defend herself. Mikoto's thinking about beginning her second child's training. I've been hearing rumors about a second prodigy at the Uchiha family head's household. Maybe you can ask her to take Naruto too, and in return allow her to use the time she'd normally be guarding Naruto in to also teach her brat?"

"I can't ask such a thing, Jiraiya... that's her family business and-"

"Well, that's not a problem. I already asked her, and she already said yes," Jiraiya said, smirking.

"What the-" Minato began protesting, but was soon cut off when his teacher moved with speed that was not proper for a man of fifty years and threw an arm around his shoulders, almost knocking Minato off balance by the sheer weight of Jiraiya's muscles.

"Why, you sound almost as if you can't believe thay your teacher, who knows you inside-out, wouldn't know what's been bothering you! You didn't think that I'd come here without a solution prepared, right?" Jiraiya asked.

"That's incredibly presumptuous of you," said Minato, deadpan.

"Why yes, yes it is. Now stop being such an uptight little brat, relax and think about looking for a new mother for Naruto-cha-"

Jiraiya was singing soprano for a week, as Minato never, ever, took kindly to his reminders that he ought to be looking for a new wife.

To be fair, he was a lot harsher on Jiraiya than he was on anyone else who suggested finding a replacement for Kushina. He had never been able to look at another woman without comparing them with his wife and finding them horribly... lacking, by comparison.

"Will you at least relax a bit? You know what today is, don't you? You ought to at least enjoy the festivities a little..." Jiraiya said. "Come on, join your old teacher on a tour of the village. I even got my own teacher to join us. It'll be an S-Rank only casino night! Tsunade-hime even came around, since there's a high stakes game in your honor that a gentleman might have offered to host," Jiraiya said with a wink.

At this, Minato sighed. "Okay, but just for a short time. I promised Naruto I'd be coming home tonight, and I'm on thin ice with her as is..."

"Awesome! You won't regret listening to your wise teacher, I swear!"

Meanwhile, back at the Namikaze mansion...

"Mikoto-obachan, did I do it right?" Naruto asked, looking over her work with a critical eye, while at the same time tightening the crude bandages that she'd made around her fingers. Mikoto smiled warmly, looking at the spread Naruto had made.

The girl was not skilled in the least in the art of housekeeping. To be fair, neither was Mikoto. That was what they had Kakashi for, most of the time, Yugao if he wasn't available. Itachi was a last resort, as even he was more skilled than his mother in the kitchen. But Kakashi had departed halfway through, having to get ready for a deployment to border patrol near the Iwa border, especifically acting on a lead they'd obtained from one of Naruto's routine assassins. Yugao would actually be taking the night shift this day, guarding the Namikaze house as the owners slept, and Itachi was actually with Kakashi on that assignment.

Mikoto smiled, internally, when she remembered how well her son had taken to his godmother's last wish. Who'd have thought that such a short meeting would leave such a strong, lasting impression? Ah, but she was getting lost in memories.

Still, they'd worked as best as they could from Kakashi's instructions and, through a lot of shared effort, mostly Naruto's since she refused to let Mikoto do anything for her entirely. They were finished, now, and while the dishes they had made were far from an extravagant affair, Mikoto had no problems telling Naruto that she had done very well for her first time cooking, better than Mikoto usually did, in fact, and should be proud of the meal she had prepared.

One might wonder why Naruto was cooking, particularly given that she was but a seven and a half years old girl, who could hardly reach the stove, let alone cook.

The very simple reason that Naruto's hands had been cut, stabbed and burned that night, despite Mikoto's best efforts to keep them pristine, was that she had been preparing a home made deal to receive her father, on his birthday, with, after he came home from work. Naruto felt that her father worked way, way too hard, and she knew very well that he did it for her sake. Because he loved her very much, he worked hard so he could give her everything she ever wanted. And so she wanted to reward him for his hard work.

With painstakingly slow, methodic and methiculous work, Naruto set the table, arranging everything so it was just perfect, putting everything in such a way that her father would be presented with a relaxing atmosphere so that he would only need to sit down and rest while she did everything for one night. That was the least she could do, just one day in which she did something for herself instead of relying on her servant staff, but her auntie had told her that this would make Minato very happy.

And finally, after everything was ready, Naruto sat to wait. Her father was running late, as usual, already by thirty minutes, but she had expected such a delay. He tended to overwork himself, and came home late and exhausted.

Still, Naruto sat, dutifully, without moving a muscle, on the table she had set. Mikoto had left shortly after the meal was done, explaining that she had to get home to eat with her own family, because this was a private moment that Naruto should have with her father, and so Naruto was alone in the gigantic mansion, though of course she was perfectly safe, as she knew her father had reworked everything from the ground up to make it airtight against the usual violent psychopaths that tried to assassinate her for being the famous Yellow Flash's daughter.

The minutes passed, as Naruto worried that the food might get cold, but she refused to move from her spot. She had to receive her father with a kind smile, it was intrinsic to the entire plan to get him relaxed so he could forget about work for a few hours. And so she continued to sit, stilling even her mind.

The minutes soon turned to an entire hour, and Naruto's tummy rumbled its disapproval at being empty, but she quietend it with a slap. The food was for her daddy first, then she'd eat, but daddy had to eat first so he'd have all he needed to be healthy.

Her tummy continued to protest through the night, but there she'd wait, still, until the first few rays of the morning soon began to peek through the night sky.

Only then had she heard her father as he stumbled past the front door, and in her haste, she had forgotten that standing still in the position she had for so long had made her legs fall asleep, even if the rest of her hadn't. When she had tried to rush to her feet, in order to show her enthusiasm and greet him properly, she had stumbled, tripping forward and landing, chin first, on the table that contained the meal she'd painstakingly prepared for her father.

Unfortunately, Naruto was stronger than she looked, or acted, at any given time, and when she had tripped, she had hit the table so hard that she caused it to be tipped over. Furthermore, this caused all of the plates and trays that she had used to place the food she had prepared, much of which was rice, different cuts and styles of cooked fish as well as sauces to dip them in, to come crashing down on top of her.

The plates crashing to pieces on her hurt, but for a moment, she was glad that the food was cold.

That was until she heard the door to the dinning room creaking open, as her father came in, possibly guided by the loud crashing noise that she had created by destroying the plates.

Naruto's eyes went upwards, and she saw her father wince as he walked into the brightly lit room. He was bleary eyed, and his entire frame spoke of incredible exhaustion.

"Huh. What a mess," he commented, idly.

Naruto, for a moment, felt horrible. She'd ruined everything!

However, then bloodloss and sleep deprivation took over and she merely fell unconscious, and she felt no more.

* * *

Naruto looked around herself, at the children in the academy, with a smirk, before her eyes came upon her hated rival, who regarded her cooly.

Had someone been paying attention, they would've seen the bolts of lightning flying between the eyes of Namikaze Naruto and Uchiha Satsuki.

* * *

For Naruto, it was only natural to be at the top of her class.

She was, after all, the daughter of the widely feared Yellow Flash!

* * *

Let's see how long it takes people to guess who Naruto 'is'.

Hints: I usually try to match the personality as well as possible while keeping it plausible.

Naruto has clearly been spoiled rotten by her super famous, super feared father whom she almost never sees, as well as the staff that waits her on hand and foot, but is clearly sweet underneath the bitchy exterior. There's also something seriously screwy about her, and she seems to possess an unusually strong soul, powerful and foul enough to terrify even the great and mighty Kyuubi.

Still couldn't guess? Well, it will be revealed who all three 'are' in the fourth chapter, but I'm sure a reviewer will have the answer soon...


	2. The Average One

Well, here's Chapter 2, I guess... Not much to say here.

Tsundere ahead.

**The Average One**

* * *

Uchiha Fugaku was a complicated man to understand.

Some who knew him thought him a simple and straightforward man, but he was anything but. In fact, he was quite often counter intuitive to those who would try to analyze him. Was he a hypocrite, saying one thing and doing another? Or was he a man planning for the long term, concentrated more on the goal than on the means? At times, the line blurred, and some said that he was simply yet another one of the power hungry idiots that plagued the clans' leadership.

Some thought that he treated his secondborn with coldness because his secondborn had not displayed the innate genius of his firstborn.

Little Itachi had been a veritable genius, developing at an astounding rate and graduated as a shinobi at the tender age of six, while his little sister, Satsuki, was far from achieving his rate of development, though it was too soon to tell how talented she'd be at the art of shinobi, few had their hopes up.

Others thought that he treated his secondborn with coldness simply because she had been born a female.

At this, his wife, Uchiha Mikoto scoffed.

It wasn't that Fugaku disdained his secondborn, she mused. The man was simply completely inept when it came to displaying kindness or affection. She knew, their marriage was based on the fact that she was one of the very few women in the clan who could see that he was genuinelly lost when it came to displaying affection, which made him look like an uncaring, cold prick.

To someone like her, who knew him inside an out, it was easy to tell he kept from his daughter simply because displays of affection were completely alien to him.

It was the Uchiha Clan, and he exemplified it, after all. Some said that when it came to displaying any emotion other than anger, they were even worse than the Hyuga, and Mikoto would have to agree...

* * *

Uchiha Satsuki was a girl of six. Years, I mean.

She was short, wore her hair on pigtails and also happened to be very studious. She had a brother. He liked to tug on her pigtails, which she protested a lot every time he did it. Secretly, she liked it when he pulled on them, since it was one of the few times she got to interact with her family in any normal fashion. She had her father, a man so distant he might as well not be there, and her mother, a woman who worked as the Hokage's daughter's maid or something like that for most of the day, and usually spent her time at home with her husband.

All in all, her family was standard fare for a home with two shinobi parents, aggravated by the fact that both shinobi were high level, one the head of the military police and Uchiha Clan and the other a high ranking ANBU that was one of the most trusted by the Hokage.

Still, she was proud of her family, and she was proud to be a member of it. Even if these days, she kept seeing her brother less and less, since he had moved out four years ago, when he'd become a shinobi, and could only come visit her every few days.

Satsuki studied a lot. She trained every day, with the exercises her family had laid out for her, and studied the books and scrolls that they told her to read every day. Sometimes multiple times per day. It had taken her a while to learn how to read, but soon she had taken to doing so both for study and for pleasure. There wasn't much more to do in her parents' estate, and the other children who lived in the compound rarely, if ever, wished to play with her, so she often found herself alone for long periods of time.

But it was okay. Because she had her family. Mostly.

She missed her brother.

* * *

Satsuki would've wished to be anywhere but the Hokage's mansion. She knew that she wouldn't like it. Call it her feminine intuition, but she knew that she would wind up very, very angry.

"Mikoto-obachan, who's she?" asked a blond girl, blinking at Satsuki as she trailed after her mother, visiting the Hokage's mansion for the very first time. It was a large, lavish place, clearly created more for show than functionality. Given that Satsuki knew the Hokage entertained and lodged foreigners, dignataries, diplomats and all forms of noblesse, it was not as shocking as one might think for the Hokage's home to be such a place.

It only made sense, the nobles were more relaxed and in better moods in environments closer to their homes, after all.

"Say hello, Satsuki-chan, this is the Hokage's daughter, Naruto," Mikoto said, stepping aside so Naruto and Satsuki could look at each other directly, instead of through the space between Mikoto's legs.

"Hello," Satsuki said, bowing slightly. She'd introduce herself properly, but her mother had already introduced her. It was odd, because she'd been taught how to do formal introductions, usually for the eventuality she might meet someone like the person she was meeting right now. Which threw her for a loop when her mother ignored that altogether. "I'm Satsuki, daughter of Uchiha Fugaku and Uchi-"

"Hi!" Naruto called, waving and interrupting her entirely. "Of course, you know who I am already, don't you?" she said, raising an eyebrow, almost as if expecting her to nod.

Satsuki did, though she was ticked off by the disrespect towards her that was interrupting her introduction.

"Well, girls, your fathers have both agreed that it's better if I train you both at the same time. Now, Satsuki, Naruto-chan here hasn't actually been doing all the exercises your father set out for you, nor has she studied as hard as you have, so take it easy on her, okay?"

Satsuki nodded. "I suppose she's a novice, the-"

Naruto scoffed and stamped her foot on the ground. "Me? A Novice? I'm the Yellow Flash's daughter! I'll show you!"

At this, Satsuki felt her eyebrow twitch. This girl was... incredibly annoying.

* * *

Satsuki frowned at the expression her mother made. "I'm sorry, Satsuki, but I won't be able to train you and Naruto today. Something came up- but don't worry. Kakashi and Yugao-kun both will take over for me today, and you'll be learning from them. Probably for a while," Mikoto explained, frowning mildly.

Uchiha Satsuki was a smart girl. Smarter than most gave her credit for, and people gave her a lot of credit. There was something odd and fishy that she could easily notice going on with her mother, and Satsuki wanted to get to the bottom of it. Despite being a girl of just nine, she was on the fast track for graduation already (admittedly, mostly because she refused to be scored below Naruto, who refused to be any less than the top of the class, otherwise she would've taken a much more leisurely pace with the academy), and it showed when she analyzed her mother's body language.

She was, in as few words as possible, twitchy. Nervous. Maybe a little angry. Her hands were moving, as if itching to go for the blade strapped to her thigh. Her eyes were scanning their surroundings. She was afraid? But of what? "What's going on?" Satsuki asked, plainly, knowing that bluntness would set her off balance and might let her get at more than she usually would.

"Nothing much," Mikoto said, shaking her head. "It's just a hard mission's coming up, and both me and your father are absolutely needed to go on it," she explained. "You don't mind sleeping over at Naruto-chan's, right?"

At this, Satsuki made a face. "With her? I'm shocked she'd even think of sharing one of her beds!" she said.

Mikoto chuckled. "She's a lot nicer than you think once you get to know her, Satsuki," Mikoto said, placing a hand on top of Satsuki's head. "I'll see if I can get your brother to pick you up tomorrow, okay? Just... stay until the mansion until then."

There was danger in the compound for her, Satsuki mused. There was most likely someone gunning after her.

The Hokage's mansion was protected by all sorts of seals and the best building materials. It was the safest place in Konoha short of the bunkers. "Okay."

Arguing would be pointless at this stage.

Satsuki merely hoped her parents made it out of whatever mess was going on okay.

* * *

Uchiha Satsuki did not return to her clan's compound the next day. Nor did she until the end of that week. It had been monday when she went to the Hokage's home, and saturday when she returned to the Uchiha Compound.

It was almost entirely empty.

As soon as Satsuki had thrown her stuff in her room, she ran off her house to go around asking people what had happened, and perhaps where her parents were. However, the moment she stepped outside her house, a rush of leaves and smoke heralded the appearance of a man clad in ANBU gear, with a dog-like mask covering his face. She recognized the shock of gravity defying silver hair, she would recognize it anywhere, and instantly knew that it was Hatake Kakashi under that mask.

"Your answers - they will come. Come with me," Kakashi said.

* * *

Satsuki had never visited the Hokage's office.

Not once.

It was a completely new place. She had seen the Hokage, from a distance, and even once up close when he'd come home miraculously early. He was a very handsome man, practically what she imagined Naruto would look like as an adult male. Right now, she saw another side of him. She had only seen the dotting, loving father who had looked at his daughter as if she was the only thing in the room, but now it was completely different.

He was a grave, serious and grim looking man. This was the Hokage's game face, which he showed only in the most stressful of situations. Satsuki's mother had once told her that for Konoha's enemies, the Hokage's scowl was usually the very last thing they saw, as he was notoriously terrible at taking his targets in alive for questioning. It was a frightening thing to behold.

Upon seeing her, however, his face softened... almost as if pity had overpowered him, and he sighed, looking sad. "Satsuki-chan... I can only offer you my condolences," he began.

As he explained, however, her day could only get worse and worse.

"The very same day that Mikoto sent you for a sleepover at my home, your clan, the Uchiha, started a military coup and rebellion with the objective of deposing me and stablishing their own leader as Hokage, for reasons that frankly baffle me, and were conflicting even within their ranks. The most common thread was that they felt insulted for the continued 'Senju Dynasty' that had been established as a result of the four choices for Hokage having been either Senju or Senju influenced. Regardless of the reasons, the matter is that they initiated a rebellion. Your father and mother, along with the handful of shinobi in the clan that remained loyal to myself and thus the village proper, mounted a counter assault, intending to nip the rebellion in the bud before it could become a problem. However, they were betrayed by two of their number."

At this, Satsuki blinked and hardly even noticed when she was seated on a chair by the ANBU shinobi on her left side, as she nearly collapsed, trying to make sense of what she was hearing. "N-No..."

"I'm afraid your father was killed immediately, and your mother suffered extremely severe wounds as a result of that betrayal. Her physical wounds healed, but... her mind was destroyed," the man explained, shaking his head. "The rebellion suffered severe losses, as well, and was wiped out as soon as the ANBU arrived to diagnose the commotion. Your parents died like heroes ought to, Satsuki," the Hokage said. "I am glad to have been able to call Mikoto my friend," he added.

Satsuki shook her head. "I have-," she began, before swallowing. "I have to see..."

"The Sandaime has offered to take care of all the funeral procedures, Satsuki... And I'd like to ask you if you'd want to live with me and Naruto for a little while..."

"No. I... I must go back to my compound. With father and mother gone, I am the head of the Uchiha clan."

Minato shook his head. "All shinobi from the clan are dead, Satsuki. You're the last. The civilian side of the Uchiha clan is lead by a council, is it not?"

At this, Satsuki nodded her head. "They are subject to me regardless," she said. "Shinobi-less or not, I'm still the Uchiha clan head."

With a sigh, Minato nodded. "Very well, then... if you need anything, any sort of help... just ask. If anyone gives you trouble, just come to me. I'll set them straight. Your parents were heroes, Satsuki, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise."

* * *

Satsuki's grades improved.

There were no further distractions, after all, and she was acting on the will of her parents, which told her she had to be the best, because she was an Uchiha, she was their heir. That was the legacy she carried.

She had almost become an antisocial little bitch, with no time for anything, but her caretaker, one Hatake Kakashi by name, had actually stamped such an attitude out of her very, very early. Both Kakashi and the Hokage actually made quite a bit of effort to reach out to her and keep reminding her that she was not alone. It helped that she was almost always in direct competition with Naruto, the sole person in the school that challenged, and even consistently defeated, her grades. Of course, the Hokage's daughter could do no less than her father had before her, much like Satsuki refused to be less than the Uchiha that came before her.

However, after the day of the Uchiha massacre, the Fourth Hokage had established a minimum age to graduate, setting it at age 16. It used to be that most elite genin graduated at 12, with only those destined to being career genin reaching the age limit of 16, but the academy curriculum had been greatly expanded since the Fourth Hokage took control of it.

Almost certainly because the third Hokage was now directly in charge of managing the academy, dedicating the grand majority of his time to it. It had clearly done the oft neglected academy a world of good to have The Professor directly focused on improving it.

It had certainly benefitted Satsuki immensely, as the academy now included all of the little things that she would've otherwise learned from her relatives, which were unavailable. It also served the handy purpose of stopping civilian-born shinobi from making fools of themselves.

Hatake Kakashi made it a point to tell her about how to, even if she wasn't really, at least appear to be a perfectly sane and mentally healthy individual. Satsuki noticed that the same exercises that he utilized to keep himself sane, mostly mediation and monotonous, mind numbing tasks that allowed her mind to sort itself out. Weekly sessions with a Yamanaka psychologist certainly helped, as well. All in all, she was glad to say that despite her past, she was dealing with it admirably, and sometimes she wondered what it'd be like if she had made revenge her life's focus, instead of making her clan proud, but dwelling on What If and Maybe scenarios would take away from her study time.

With the improvement of her grades came an increased amount of attention, and when attention came her way, Satsuki had started to become something of an idol. At fourteen years of age, she could call herself quite a pretty girl, and her fanboys would've agreed. The fact that she remained unfailingly polite and nice to all the boys, even as she shot them down (because dating would be time consuming and unnecessary, as she would have to marry an Uchiha to properly continue her line, and her marriage would be between two partners in business rather than two people in love) certainly helped, and so did her willingness to help people when they asked for it, even if she admitted that, with how little free time she had, tutoring was an impossibility.

It was a startling difference in that, despite being outright cold when it came down to it, she was still considered the vastly more approachable one of Konoha's Ninja Academy's 'Idols'. Uchiha Satsuki might've been cold, but Namikaze Naruto was a rose covered in wicked thorns, the likes of which you don't approach without a heavily padded glove.

At times, it became time and patience-consuming to hold onto her idol image.

But sometimes, it was very, very easy. Particularly when her innate talent, which wasn't insignificant, shined through. Ninjutsu lectures in the academy where the times in which Satsuki felt that she was the most at her element, and it came to a head when the class was introduced to their affinities.

* * *

"Class, I believe you've all understood, well enough, the principle behind elemental jutsu. Bear in mind, we don't expect you to master it, and only a passable level of mastery of your main affinity will be required to pass your final exams, and yes, it will be recorded. So remember, if the paper cuts, it's wind, if it gets wet, it's water, if it crumbles, it is Earth, if it crinkles, it's lightning and if it burns, it's Fire," the teacher, a scarred young man said, as he was walking by the class, passing small slips of paper to each student.

Finally, when all thirty had been given a piece of paper, he stood in front of the class once more, looking over them to see if any had already jumped the gun. His assistant, a white haired young man who looked surly at the best of times, stood up and sighed. "Iruka, safety measures," he said.

"Yes, right. As Mizuki reminded me, there are some safety measures we'll go over before we start. The elemental effect from a powerful affinity might cause uncontrollable reactions. So hold your paper in this way," at this Iruka raised his hand and showed that his own slip of paper was contained between the middle and pointer fingers, which were fully stretched. "The furthest away from your hand, the better. Furthermore, don't worry about damaging your desks, these are protected against that minor kind of damage," he said, before he ran his eyes over the class once more.

"That should be all," Mizuki said, nodding to himself. "If anybody sets their desk on fire, yell 'Fire'," he added, as an afterthought.

Most of the class thought that such a thing went without saying.

"Go one by one. We will go through the class roster, and record your affinity as we go. Okay. First, Aburame Shino!"

Satsuki blinked, and began to tune out the unimportant bits. She actually cared about very few of the students, in this regard, because only a few of them were possible partners.

She had noted Aburame Shino as Earth Elemental. Akimichi Chouji had Fire. Hyuuga Hinata had water. The next that she paid attention to was Inuzuka Kiba, who had fire, and Nara Shikamaru who was the same. Not abnormal to have so many fire elementals in Konoha, as it WAS the Land of Fire for a reason. However, she had been mildly surprised when she had heard her rival's pronounciation, Namikaze Naruto had both wind and water, in equal measure. Both rare in Konoha.

Satsuki had also made a note of someone by the name of Haruno, who had somehow failed to produce a result entirely. The papers reacted to the slightest deviation in the standard chakra pattern, producing a result, because they were immensely sensitive. Even weak affinities would show through. Which meant that whoever it was had absolutely no affinities whatsoever.

That was troubling for Shinobi, even if it was far from crippling, but Satsuki didn't much worry, she was almost entirely certain that she had an idea who both of her teammates would be.

She was a Ninjutsu user and mid range fighter. While proficient at hand to hand, it wasn't her specialty. It was almost certain that she'd wind up with a hand to hand fighter, so it was likely that it'd be Inuzuka or Akimichi, and a support type, which left little but Yamanaka or Hyuuga as options. At least she could rest easy knowing that her rival wouldn't ever share a team with her, because they also shared specializations.

At last, her turn came, and she concentrated for a second before pumping chakra through her paper.

It split in four different parts, each of which had one of the reactions described.

"Oh... oh my," Iruka said, quite shocked. "I have to say, this is the first time I've seen someone with all five elements as an affinity."

"Couldn't resist showing off, Uchiha?" Yamanaka Ino taunted.

Satsuki blinked. "On the contrary, I'm the most surprised of all. I'd been expecting fire," she said, frowning. After all, she did have quite a bit of ease with the element of choice for her clan. Though she had an affinity for fire, she also had affinities for the other four elements.

"That's... astounding, indeed. Very few students have more than one affinity. Having three is almost unheard of, and the only person to have four affinities on record is Sandaime-sama," Iruka mentioned, frowning ever so slightly.

Satsuki knew this to be a blatant falsehood, as her clan records had another person with four affinities. Especifically, he had that note along a much bigger one that said "KEEP AWAY FROM AT ALL COSTS", and it was the most infamous traitor still alive, Orochimaru of the Snakes.

"Of course; my rival could be no less," Naruto said, smirking as if Satsuki hadn't outshone her so easily.

Yamanaka, the last person who Satsuki kept an ear on, turned out to have Lightning as an affinity, which was uncommon in Konoha, though not precissely rare.

In the end, Satsuki was left to ponder the mystery of her affinities, even as Iruka described some basic exercises for everyone to apply to their affinity control, though he also admitted that he couldn't really show them any but the water exercise, as that was his only affinity, and Mizuki himself could only teach them the exercise for fire, which Satsuki already knew. The water exercise required objects that they didn't have, namely a glass with water to practice with.

Naruto helpfully contributed the exercise for training wind, which consisted of using chakra to form a pair of blades to grind and sharpen against each other. Doing it was easier than saying it, though, and very few could replicate her feat of slicing clean through paper, much less when she cut right through a rock.

Earth and Lightning, though, couldn't really be demonstrated, but Iruka had promised that the very next week they'd have a special lecture from the Third Hokage in which he displayed the use of every element, as he was the sole person in Konoha capable of competently using all the elements, even though he had no affinity for Lightning that came naturally to him. Incidentally, there'd also be a lecture on developing new affinities, which was actually a requirement for making jounin, which required at least a complimentary affinity to your main one.

An explanation of what that meant would also be given by the Third Hokage, though Satsuki knew it by the simpler terms of "An affinity that defeats the affinity that defeats your main affinity", confusing as that had been the first few times she had heard it.

All in all, she was looking forward to her graduation, in only two years' time.

* * *

Satsuki had already seized on who would be her most likely teammates, in the past year, which she had mostly dedicated to the task of improving her control of her elements. While she had chakra reserves that bordered on huge, she had found that elemental jutsu tended to be horribly prohibitive in Chakra Costs, and since her affinities were less potent than any single given affinity would've been on its matching element, this wasn't mitigated by them. In an effort to subvert this, she had revived one of her father's old ideas, and a remnant of a marriage between an Uchiha and an Uzumaki that never quite went entirely through.

The Uzumaki were renowned sealmasters, and each member of the clan could boast knowledge that would dwarf most anyone else. So it was no wonder that the project Satsuki had revived was extremely complex. It made perfect sense to be.

After all, sealed jutsu paper bombs were exactly as useful as they sounded. A variation on the good old, tested, tried and true Explosive Tag, these could be altered, with sufficient experimentation and work, to have different effects and to even have entire techniques sealed in them. Her father hadn't truly furhtered the research as much as he could have, his life cut short well before he could add much to it, but Satsuki herself had made quite a bit of advancement on it the past year.

Most likely because having all affinities allowed her to increase the spectrum she could search for an answer to her problems in.

Her father had usable technique bombs, but Satsuki wanted to take it further. She had managed to discover how to alter the amount of power that was in any given bomb, altering the amount of chakra that flowed through the seals, and had even managed to combine several bombs at once to produce effects based on what the combined techniques would do. More difficult than it sounded, given that the detonation of one bomb tended to short out other bombs nearby, which left the usual method of jutsu combination useless.

All in all, she was quite proud of her progress. She had also discovered that certain materials took to holding onto this kind of seal differently. Most kinds of metals were completely useless, as was wood for the most part. Only the first Hokage's trees produced wood that could react well to the seals.

Paper produced satisfactory results, but it was stones that produced the best possible result. Specifically, precious stones. Expensive as it was to keep herself stocked up, she had learned to use them sparingly, and to be exceedingly careful when crafting the seals.

As an aside, she'd also become quite the accomplished craftswoman, as she had taken to wearing jewelry which had the concealed gem jutsu bombs (they definitely needed a better name) ready for use in an emergency, and she couldn't be seen with anything less than exquisite jewelry.

Some would've thought, what, did no Uchiha think of this before her? Well, they might have, but the entire project was something that was kept tightly under wraps by the clan head's family and furthermore, it was something that had only recently come into their possession, stolen from the Uzumaki clan, so it's not like they had a lot of history with it.

The musing from thinking on her specialty, her gemcraft, which she still thought needed a better name though that one was atleast an improvement, had kept her distracted long enough for Iruka to finish his speech about what it would be like for Genin now that they were about to graduate, and how arduous their life could be from then on.

It was time.

The reading of the team assignments was on.

The first seven teams weren't really surprising. She could remember tidbits about her irrelevant classmates, enough to put the general purpose of said teams as 'Jack of All Trades', which could decently perform any task, but not shine in any. The eight team was the first one to be a specialized team, and it had thrown Satsuki for a loop. "Team Eight, headed by Yuuhi Kurenai, will be staffed by Aburame Shino, Hyuuga Hinata and Inuzuka Kiba. Your sensei will be by in just a few minutes to pick you up."

Well, Satsuki mused, that knocked her plans on getting partnered with the quiet and unobtrusive Aburame. She'd have rather enjoyed a partnership with him and Akimichi, who was also a bit of a pushover. She knew she was a strong personality and would most likely not fit very well with Inuzuka or Nara, both of whom would drive her up the wall, and would have most likely murdered Yamanaka on principle.

The less said about her interactions with Naruto, the better.

Still, Satsuki frowned, this left her in a bit of a pickle. Because she was certain that Ino Shika Cho wouldn't be broken, at this stage. At least, it didn't fit in the possible team permutations that she'd allowed herself. While far from arrogant, or so she liked to think, Satsuki wasn't above admitting that she was a shoe-in for an elite. Even if she weren't a clan head, simply being the second highest scorer would ensure that they'd at least give her a chance to prove herself worthy of the honor. This meant giving her a team that wouldn't drag her down.

Except the only teammate left that wasn't headed for the Ino Shika Cho trio was...

Of course it had to be her. When had Satsuki been a lucky person before? It couldn't be anyone else, could it?

"Team Ten, headed by Sarutobi Asuma, will be staffed by Akimichi Chouji, Nara Shikamaru and Yamanaka Ino. Your sensei will meet you in Tobirama Park," Iruka said, looking straight at Satsuki for an instant, before his eyes moved across the room quickly. They landed on Naruto and Satsuki just knew that he was trying to gauge what their reactions would be.

Teams twelve and eleven went without issue.

Of course, the best would be left for last.

* * *

Incidentally, the title of this chapter is a pretty big hint on who the identity of the character that Satsuki is embodying is. Admittedly, her fighting style is much, much easier to do in this world than the one Naruto will be using.

Also, I find it hilarious that I just wrote a fic in which Sasuke is less mentally f*cked up than Naruto is, as a result of actually going through therapy and not having Itachi around to use Tsukuyomi for no real reason other than for shits and giggles. Satsuki is not entirely without her issues and trauma, but she was MUCH less traumatized by the events that transpired than canon!Sasuke is. Remember, she didn't witness it for three days straight, she got help from a professional and doesn't have revenge as a goal because the people who killed her parents were killed by them in return.

So she's just a bit emotionally detached and a bit of a loner instead of being a big sack of crazy just waiting to rip open and start planning revenge on squirrels.


	3. Rusted Up Beyond All Recognition

Have you ever wondered what it'd be like if Sakura was a man?

Yeah, me neither. So have this instead.

* * *

**Rusted Up Beyond All Recognition**

* * *

There were things in this world that were unfair.

Very much so.

And there's a certain boy who could tell you about a whole slew of those, and still have left over. And he'd tell you with a smile, while minimizing how much it must've hurt to be the one suffering from those unfair things.

This was the world of one Haruno 'Sakura', starting with his name.

Yes. His.

It was an odd thing that had accompanied him since birth, originally a nickname born from his actual name, Sakuro, and one of the unfortunate aspects of his life. While the characters with which it was written differed, the pronounciation eventually led his parents to come up with the embarrassing nickname shortly after he was born... after they'd seen the bright pink hair on top of his head.

Truly, the intimidating hair color of a manly man.

Even worse, his mother liked his hair quite a bit, and liked to see it when it was quite long. Even despite the fact that it fell down his back in a messy cascade of spikes, she liked to play with and style it in different ways. It didn't help that it usually grew back very fast, even if cut, and seemed to take very well to all sorts of treatments done to it. Except, of course, hair dye. It just washed off.

Very much a curse, inherited from his grandfather on his mother's side, one Haruno Kizashi by name. Except that man's pink hair had been dark enough to pass as red.

Bright, bubblegum pink had gotten Sakuro confused with a woman so much that people genuinelly tended to think his name was Sakura. It annoyed him.

Sometimes, he wished he could have his father's hair. Sure, the palm treetop look might be silly, but hey, at least it was a respectably manly black...

Oh, well. There was no point in dwelling in such a thing. His mother liked it. His father didn't see any reason why he should be ashamed of the color of his hair. And while getting confused with a girl was annoying sometimes, at least he'd mostly avoided teasing because people genuinelly thought he was a girl and as such didn't really care that he had pink hair. On a boy, it would've been funny, but on a girl, it was cute. Right?

Sakuro wasn't quick to correct them.

* * *

By the time people started to notice Sakuro as a boy more than a girl, there were very specific reasons why he wasn't picked on.

Some people liked to joke that he'd gotten handed bad genetics, until he started to resemble his father.

While he'd once been short and very girly, by the time he hit eleven years of age he had shot up in height. Where once he'd been shorter than a great deal of his peers, now he stood at the top of the height charts in his class. His hair was now cut much shorter, as well, and while still pink, at least it didn't draw quite as much attention as before. Not when people where mostly looking at the muscles that really shouldn't have been on a boy his age.

Particularly considering that he was a civilian boy.

Indeed, despite a retired shinobi as a mother, and a deceased shinobi as a father, Sakuro had chosen the life of a civilian. Admittedly, his mother's reluctance to allow him to even train with his father in order to stay in good shape might have played a part in this, but Sakuro liked to think that if he'd wanted to be a ninja, he'd be one. Because while his mother could piss and moan and scream and yell, she would NOT prohibit him from doing what he wished to do, no matter how horribly worried for him she might become.

He'd even mostly dropped his priorly regular workouts. Before, he'd kept on par with the exercises his father put himself through, yet these days he merely did enough to maintain himself in acceptable shape. He was still the best in just about every area in regards to his school work, outdoing his peers in academic because of his innate genius coupled with his mother's superb and superbly demanding tutoring and leaving them in the dust in terms of physical education due to his past Shinobi training.

He enjoyed no less than six years of Civilian education, until his twelfth birthday.

Of course, not everything can be this easy.

Sakuro knew his father was a very well known shinobi, at least amongst the very few people at the top who were actually important. His family got a sizable stipend that allowed them to live comfortably despite the fact that his mother was retired and Sakuro himself was attending a rather expensive school, and his father's Jounin jacket was never removed from the perch next to the door, where it'd been since the last time he had left. Even his headband, with the massive crack down the middle that had never been fixed, was still in his home.

It was only a matter of time before someone approached him to offer shinobi training to continue his father's work. He'd have thought it would've been perhaps one of his father's old teammates. He'd even half expected Maito Gai to show up, or even their shared teacher Roshi, offering training. But it'd been neither of them. Instead, one day, his family had hosted the Fourth Hokage.

It'd been, fittingly, the anniversary of his father's sacrifice.

A lot of people had talked about the man, and his family. A lot of people liked to gossip about who would be the next person who would try their hand at filling the void Uzumaki Kushina had left at the man's side, but Sakuro knew full well that Namikaze Minato had rejected each and every single person who'd attempted to replace his wife. In a similar fashion, several men had tried to approach Sakuro's own mother, but she'd soundly rejected each and everyone of them. Sakuro knew that it wasn't his mother refusing to move on.

No, it was her simply judging the men who attempted to woo her and finding them lacking in comparison to her husband.

Sakuro couldn't really blame people for trying to get at either of the widowers. Namikaze Minato was powerful, one of the most powerful ninja ever as well as the leader of an entire village, rich, mostly because of his ninja prowess, and handsome, at least according to his hordes upon hordes of fangirls. Haruno Mebuki, Sakuro's mother, had the backing of a wealthy family and a great deal of political power, even if she never chose to wield it herself as a result of it. It helped that her kunoichi training had left her with the enviable body of a kunoichi even long after she'd retired.

Poor Sakuro had more than once suffered as a direct result of the few male friendly acquaintances he had noticing the fact that his mom was, indeed, quite attractive. If he were less nice, he might've actually beat up a few of the people who went too far with their comments.

Incidentally, the Fourth Hokage and his mother were friends, and of course the gossip had put them together fairly quickly. Both denied it soundly, and completely truthfully. Part of the reason they were friends was that they could joke about people trying to seduce them. They'd been introduced to each other by their spouses, who had themselves been teammates.

On that anniversary of his father's passing, Sakuro met, for the first time, the Hokage's daughter. And had found her terribly confusing, overbearing and, dare he say it, annoying. Unfortunately, he'd been raised by his mother to be a polite and kind young boy, and thus he hadn't told the then-little girl to go screw herself and leave him alone. Furthermore, she was family of a family friend, and as such, Sakuro had to not only put up with, but also entertain her.

She liked to call him Sakura, and apparently genuinelly thought that was his name. He had not been able to disabuse her of this notion.

The Fourth Hokage himself was a pleasant man, who was ready to treat Sakuro like the mature young man he was rather than the child he appeared to be (when he was wearing long sleeved clothes that hid the rippling muscles on his body, of course) and avoid patronizing him. He hadn't been condescending or annoying. Instead, he'd lay bare the facts and reasons why he wanted Sakuro to become a shinobi.

Indeed, it came down to Sakuro's father, and his legacy. The shoes left to be filled.

Sakuro had inherited several traits from his father. His body was chief amongst them. Even despite the fact that he'd never been formally trained, the man had been faster and stronger than the academy's teachers when he'd been entered - two months prior to the graduation exam he took -, and his amazing talent had allowed him to learn their moves and styles within that short a time. While he was a lost cause at anything requiring finesse, it hadn't been a problem in the middle of open warfare.

The pink haired boy knew full well he'd likely run into the exact same problems as his father, and he had the exact same advantages as well.

In truth, being a shinobi just seemed like an ideal job for people of his lineage. He started to think that his father had a bloodline limit that allowed them to be stronger and faster than others, as well as have massive chakra reserves. Unfortunately, it also rendered them essentially incapable of using jutsu, due to the accompanying extremely poor chakra control. There were ways to bypass this, and it was his father's discovery of this that allowed the man to become one of the most feared demolition experts in the entire world. The knowledge of the skills and techniques his father used had, in fact, been passed down to Sakuro. Not for his own use, but so he could give the choice to his children if he wished to.

There were a lot of reasons why he would accept.

But even so, he had turned to look at his mother.

He himself was ambivalent. He enjoyed training, enjoyed fighting, even, but he'd never been a fan of true violence. He'd never been a fan of actively hurting another to reach your own ends.

It was then that his mother had solved the quandary for him. "Your father fought for what he believed in. Your father fought to protect me, to protect you, and to protect the village that had taken him in as one of its own. He didn't like hurting people any more than you do, and he enjoyed the few times of peace he could enjoy more than anything... But he was always ready to take arms to protect what he cared about."

"We as Shinobi do what we must, Sakuro, to ensure the protection of what we love. We are the ones who endure that pain, so others don't have to," the Fourth had spoken.

It was again, a glance at his mother, that followed.

What he loved, then?

His mother - she had retired from that life. He knew why. It wasn't a very good life, and there were many things that hurt her, that kept her awake at night. Sometimes, he knew, she woke up in a cold sweat and crept into his room, to watch him sleep, as if to reassure herself that he was still there. He knew, because she wasn't as stealthy as she thought she was.

Was he strong enough?

He didn't know.

But he'd have to try.

At the very least, he'd try to live up to hopes of dreams that had been placed upon him by others long gone. He'd been enjoying the life of a civilian, but all good things must come to an end.

Sometimes, you have to take responsibility.

Perhaps, had he been raised to be any less than what he was, he would've shrunk upon himself when the Hokage offered him this chance. Would've retreated. Would've thought that honoring the sacrifices made by those who cared about him would've meant that he'd have to live as a civilian, away from the life of pain and suffering of a shinobi.

But he was a kind, selfless young man, and when given the chance to live up to his father's legacy, to protect innocents like he had, Sakuro had jumped at it after relatively little deliberation.

Even if the Hokage's daughter was quite aggravating about it.

* * *

There wasn't much to do in the academy, in terms of physical fitness.

Maito Gai could only aspire to match the feats of strength, agility and dexterity that Sakuro's father could boast about performing, and he did, a lot. The same exercise routines that had led to that man's power had also led to Sakuro's own.

Put simply, he was the strongest and fastest student in the academy, by a fair margin, and the only student he didn't consistently and completely curbstomp was the Hokage's daughter, who seemed to be insulted when he outperformed her. Instead of angering her further, though, he'd cut the level of his performances to a more... reachable level. Well above the norm, but still lowered enough that while he previously left everyone on the dust, now he could at least pretend to be in the same ballpark.

It was a defense mechanism, based on the fact that when he was outperforming everyone significantly, people didn't really like him. He'd spent only two months as the top of the class, before dropping to the third place. Namikaze Naruto was first of the class, and she clearly took pride in this. Uchiha Satsuki followed her, a girl who truly mystified Sakuro on a great deal of topics. Mostly because Sakuro could see how nasty the girl could actually be when she wasn't projecting the image of the perfect student.

His hearing was good, and he had heard her, more than once, disparaging Naruto under her breath. Admittedly, Naruto was an arrogant, annoying brat and had a habit of angering everyone around her, but some of those comments were really mean. That, and he was sure that, despite the nastiness in their relationship, they were friendlier than they'd like to admit.

Mostly because they were the only person the other would acknowledge as a proper rival. The only ones to match each other in terms of ninjutsu and genjutsu. Sakuro himself outdid the both of them in physical matters and textbook knowledge, but that was about it. He could never outdo either of them in Ninjutsu or Genjutsu, and actual practical applications of the textbook knowledge, such as the camping and survival exercises.

Admittedly, their own competition with each other had almost caused them to fail, as the exercise had been based on teamwork. Fortunately, Shino and Kiba had been along for the ride and between the three of them, they'd managed to fill up all the holes and account for the fact that the two best students in the class were more interesting in outdoing each other than in actually surviving.

Sparring just plain sucked. He had to hold back in order to not hurt his opponents, otherwise he'd be failed - and this wasn't idiotic, he knew intellectually, because sometimes you have to subdue an opponent without harming them -, which he really wasn't all that good at. He'd survived on Civilian School mostly because the sports practiced in them almost never included contact. Furthermore, despite his prodigious strength and speed, he was quite rusty. It was a rough wake up call to have the Akimichi of the class match his physical strength and then show him how far he'd fallen from just a few years back, by beating him down with superior skill.

Even worse was losing to Uchiha Satsuki, even though she barely had to put in much effort into the fight. She just outstripped him in terms of skill in hand to hand combat to such a point that he couldn't even take advantage of his superior physical strength to do even the slightest bit of damage.

Finding out that he had disappointed Namikaze was the worst though, because she'd apparently been expecting much more from someone who her father had favored with his presence. They hadn't even fought, she'd flat out refused to fight him, citing his pathetic performance against her rival as evidence that he'd perform just as bad, or worse, against her. The sheer insult that came from that almost made his blood boil. It reminded him of the days when adult ninja would squirm in fear whenever they were hired to be sparring partners. He'd been ten years old then, and now, he couldn't even face genin! It was humiliating, it was angering, it almost made him want to cut loose, to stop holding back and show them what he could do!

And it had to have shown in his face, because his mother hadn't taken kindly to it.

"You've got pent up aggression," she informed, simply. "I'm really proud of you for holding back as much as you do. It's as good an exercise as any, since both you and your father have the same control problems," she added, sighing and leaning against the kitchen counter, looking at the ceiling as if reminiscing. "He was so much worse than you, though. He really couldn't go more than a month without getting into a life and death struggle."

It was clear that she missed him.

Stressful situations and all.

"You're not really built to be a frontline fighter... You got cursed with a body made for the sole purpose of fighting," she said, frowning. "It's my fault. You've got your brains from me, and your body from your father," she said.

At this, Sakuro smiled slightly, "except the hair," he added.

Mebuki smiled. "It looks cute on you," she said, shaking her head. "Though it'll probably look silly on the manly adult you'll become. At least people won't call you 'Sakura' if you look like a sculpted statue."

"I don't know. Naruto seems convinced that it's my name," he said, frowning, "and a lot of people just follow her lead."

"... Have you tried telling her?" asked the mother, raising an eyebrow.

"Twice!" Sakuro said, frowning. "I honestly don't know if she ever listens to anyone but her father."

Mebuki laughed. "She's just like her mother," she said, nodding. "That woman would only ever listen to the people she respected, and that list was very short," she said, sighing in remembrance. "Getting her to change her opinion if she didn't respect you was harder than getting your father to give up food."

Sakuro winced in sympathy towards his father. He remembered quite a few punishments for their actions had been to deny his father the food he loved so much. "Speaking about food..."

Shaking her head, Mebuki laughed again, before turning and moving towards the kitchen. She'd have to get started early, 'cause her son seemed hungry.

* * *

In two years, despite comparatively subpar instruction, Haruno Sakuro had returned himself to a respectable level of skill in hand to hand combat. And by that, he meant a level in which he could handily defeat the grand majority of his peers and also more than match the top students in the year. Satsuki was still a nightmare to deal with, as she had no superb strength or speed and as such relied almost entirely on her skill and her particular style advantages to make up to superior opponents. Something Sakuro had learned first hand long ago was quite painful.

Still, his own recovery in terms of skill had allowed Sakuro to actually give her a challenge and even defeat her if he cut somewhat loose and risked giving her lasting injuries by bringing out most of his strength.

Proving his mother's prediction right, Sakuro had noticed that he'd had an immense amount of trouble getting Naruto to respect him even the slightest bit. Even if he defeated her in combat, which he had, she seemed to regard him as little more than an overgrown worm. It hadn't helped that her attitude had definitely worsened as time went by.

At least he'd formed friendships with his other classmates. Chouji was a very fun guy to be around, and had been the first to make a friendly approach to Sakuro, despite the girly hair. The fact that they both shared a love of food certainly greased their relationship quite a bit, as they would often talk about that if there wasn't anything else to talk about. Chouji's friend Shikamaru soon started tagging along, providing his own insight in whichever ways he could, and while he didn't share their passion for the art of stuffing yourself until you explode, he was still a very friendly guy once you got passed his lazy attitude.

Inuzuka Kiba was just plain friendly when you weren't an animal hater. Given that Sakuro wasn't, and he in fact liked all sorts of animals, including dogs, they got along fairly well and sometimes Kiba even used Sakuro as an accessory to his troublemaking. Unwillingly, of course, but it was always in good fun, and Kiba hadn't intentionally gotten him in trouble. Actually, Kiba had used him to get out of trouble, more than anything else, but they still collaborated from time to time.

The girls were a lost cause, however. Besides Yamanaka Ino, most of them simply avoided him for some reason, and he couldn't understand why. It seemed there was a recurrent problem with fever striking the classroom, probably a bug that just refused to go away, because the girls were almost always flushed when he could manage to interact with them.

Yamanaka Ino, meanwhile, seemed to like him well enough to compliment him at random, often about his hair, which, much like his mother, she seemed to really like. Maybe it was a blonde thing? The guys often did make 'dumb blonde' jokes regarding Ino, but that was just an unfair stereotype.

Being fifteen years old was supposed to come with a whole slew of trouble, but Sakuro wasn't really seeing what his teachers had been talking about when they were talking about all of their bodily functions. Intellectually, he understood the reproductive system and its purpose, and he understood hormones and their effect on a teenager's body, but he'd never found himself acting like Kiba sometimes did, never found himself looking at the girls when they were doing their stretches the way he could see the grand majority of his classmates doing.

While others had their eyes glued to the curvature of Uchiha Satsuki's barely covered posterior or Naruto's sizable mammaries, Sakuro himself was doing his own stretches without a care in the world. Despite the fact that the both of them held some level of contempt for him, as they seemed to do for all males, he also happened to be the one most often chosen by either whenever they needed a male partner for anything. In a ninja academy, that came up more often than you'd think. The reason why he was usually chosen came down to the fact that when they told him to shut up about something that'd happened, he would.

He was just that nice.

It also helped that he was, of the class, the only one to actively disregard their special circumstances.

But mostly it was the fact that he'd never revealed to anyone the fact that Naruto couldn't sleep without some stuffed toy to keep her company or that Satsuki was a nasty bitch underneath the cold, calm and collected façade she presented to everyone.

Still, sometimes he wondered if he was just 'there' for them, because it felt like they barely noticed his existence, taking him for granted. Admittedly, both of them had lives that were exciting on their own, with political intrigue and even a rival to call their own, while the most interesting parts of his days were mostly his interaction with the people around him.

He knew the graduation exam was coming soon, and he hoped he wouldn't get put on a team with those two. Fortunately, it was unlikely to happen. He was the son of a civilian, even if that civilian was a retired shinobi, and those two wore big names behind their backs, which meant they'd get put in a team destined to be fast forwarded to elite.

If Sakuro was going to follow in his father's footsteps, which was the most likely thing, then he'd probably become part of the demolition corps, which meant joining ANBU, which meant joining the Regular Forces. Elites were rarely ever sent into ANBU. After all, you want them to be the face of your ninja forces, not the invisible stage hands that build the scenario they'd perform on. The Hokage had been clear when he'd explained what he wanted out of Sakuro's participation in the shinobi program in that regard, so it was a moot point to dwell on it.

With this in mind, Sakuro had actively done his best in the graduation exam. To his utmost surprise, despite doing his absolute hardest, he had actually not managed to take the Rookie of the Year spot. In fact, he was still third.

It seemed that both of his 'rivals' for the position had themselves been underperforming. Either that, or the fact that they were rivals themselves had spurred them on to perform even better than usual in an effort to beat the other. If so, Naruto had won, as she was the Rookie of the Year and Top Kunoichi at once. Sakuro, third place overall, had taken the spot of Top Shinobi, which would normally be a shoe-in for an Elite, but the Hokage had final say in the teams the academy graduated, so he didn't think that he'd be put on an elite team.

It was the day of the teams' assignment, when the class had gathered one last time and the students who knew they wouldn't be meeting each other regularly anymore said their good byes and gave their promises to keep in touch, that Sakuro found out that being wrong sucks.

"Team 13 shall be Namikaze Naruto, Uchiha Satsuki and Haruno Sakuro, under-"

The temperature in the room descended several degrees, and the teacher stopped for a second as everyone in class turned to look at the glare that Naruto and Satsuki were shooting each other.

Sakuro sighed, already knowing this was just a terrible disaster in the making.

The teacher cleared his throat. "Like I was saying, Team 13's teacher shall be-"

"Team Ten," called a gruff, rough voice, interrupting the teacher. A bearded man that looked laid back and relaxed poked his head into the room. "Oh. Hey. Am I early?"

"Not really," the teacher said, frowning, "I'm just announcing the last team."

"Oh. Great. Anyway, Team Ten, there's a change of plans. Tobirama Park was occupied and I forgot to tell Iruka here that I'd be changing the meeting place, so I came to pick you guys up," he said, leaning back slightly. "Now, come with me."

Team Ten did exactly as ordered.

"Again, like I was saying, Team 13's teacher shall be-"

There was a loud crash as a woman in a trenchcoat came rushing through the still open door to the classroom, rushed to the window, opened it and jumped out. "What the hell?" someone asked.

Iruka cleared his throat. "Team 13's teacher-"

"ANKO IF I FIND YOU I'LL KILL YOU Y'HEAR!? I'LL KILL YOU!" yelled a rather shrill voice, as a woman wearing what looked like a dress made of bandages, but were clearly not, walked into the room. "Team 8! I've got your first mission! Trail the woman that just jumped out the window! And yes, I'm your assigned teacher, now GO!"

The three she had just ordered, even if she hadn't even looked at them, quickly leapt into motion, clearly frightened by the obviously violent woman they'd gotten as a teacher. The woman jumped after them.

"That just happened," Iruka mentioned, blinking, as he clearly tried to calm himself down. "I swear, I'm going to end up murdering someone if I get interrupted again. Anyway, Team 13's teacher is-"

"Yo Iruka, I'm real happy for you, and I'mma let you finish but-"

Iruka just turned around and slugged the newcomer right in the face.

Mizuki never saw it coming, and he was knocked flat on his ass.

"Oh- oh crap- I'm sorry!"

Sakuro sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose as Iruka began to fuss over his assistant.

It was only ten minutes later that Iruka revived Mizuki and sent him off to the school's infirmary to get the medic nin there to look at the ugly bruise forming on his face.

"Okay, now there should be no more interruptions. Like I've been trying to say for a while, Team 13's teacher shall be-"

* * *

Random Pointles Trivia:

Did you know that in my doc bay, the document that became this chapter was named '"When In Doubt, Go Travolta"'? Well now you do.


	4. Subversion of Expectations

I wonder what is better.

Poop flavored curry, or curry flavored poop?

The answer is, of course, for you to find out. I'm honestly not willing to try either of those. They sound gross.

* * *

**Subversion of Expectations**

"Excuse me, but... who?" Sakuro asked, raising a delicate, pink eyebrow, and looking at Iruka with a questioning expression in his face.

"... I didn't say anything," Iruka said, frowning, then he shook his head. "Your teacher is Jiraiya of the Sannin. Who will be here to pick you up in an hour. Get lunch in the meantime."

Sakuro nodded.

"Here as in this classroom or here as in the academy's front gates?" Satsuki asked, frowning slightly.

"Here as in he'll find us anyway," Naruto said. "Jiraiya-jisan is of course the second greatest Ninja in Konoha and his prowess was recognized when he was allowed to become my tutor," she said, nodding at Iruka, clearly pleased with the selection.

"Now, everyone who doesn't have somewhere to go, you may wait here. Your teachers will be here to pick you up shortly."

* * *

Satsuki and Naruto had been glaring at each other for the past fifteen minutes. It is interesting to note that neither had opened the bento that they had brought along for the day.

Sakuro watched from the sidelines, feeding on the food that his mother had prepared for him that day, pushing it down with cheap, canned soda that he bought from a vending machine that he was certain had cheated him out of his change. The fish was delicious, but he wondered how his mother had stuffed an entire chicken in there. Well, there wasn't much to complain about, since it was also delicious. He took a big gulp from the canned sugary drink and sighed as he let the gas out of his system. "Is either of you going to eat?" he asked, concerned about their mood worsening from the lack of food intake.

Unmentioned went the fact that his bento was roughly twice the size of theirs and, of course, abused storage seals to increase the available space even more.

"Hmph. You're not worth my attention," Naruto declared, finally, as she turned to her lunch and began to eat.

In contrast with the pace that Sakuro had taken, which was fairly quick and seemed to require pushing the food down with more food, Naruto ate in a slow and deliberate manner. Thin, dainty hands skillfully unwrapped the plastic that kept her Bento covered from the elements and pulled the featureless, glossy and smooth black box apart, showing the expensive, high end box to be a multi tiered affair that had a variety of foods, including rice, curry, soy sauce and even some fish. A skilled eye would've noted the seals on the inside of the lid that Naruto had removed, the handiwork of the Fourth Hokage no doubt, keeping the contents fresh and warm. Or cold, as the case might be.

By contrast, Satsuki had a much simpler white bento, clearly old and worn but well cared for. It also had a much smaller variety of food to it, though Sakuro could tell it was prepared with loving care, though it was odd to see such a thing from the usually cold and unsentimental Ice Queen. Perhaps it was a sign of hidden depths, that she was more than just a cold hearted bitch. Sakuro mused how the two girls compared, and he found them similar and yet different in a lot of ways.

Still, even this seemed to have turned into a competition, one which Naruto's smug and proud smirk told Sakuro the blonde clearly believed she'd won, while Satsuki's expression only twitched ever so slightly, letting past only the smallest hint of irritation at her rival's elation.

Sakuro didn't see the point of this competition.

It was clear his was the best anyway. His mother was the best cook in Konoha, bar none, so he didn't even feel the need to point it out. He continued eating the roasted chicken. It was gloriously delicious.

Life was kinda cool sometimes, he mused. Even if he was stuck with two girls who didn't even seem to think his presence was worth noting.

* * *

Naruto was bored.

Beyond bored, in fact.

So bored that she had already begun to think up ways in which to show up her rival once more, not that she would admit even to herself that she had to 'prove' her superiority in whatever ways she could. Because she didn't need to. No way. She was the greatest, and she couldn't be anything else, for she was the daughter of the Yellow Flash, the Fourth Hokage, the greatest ninja ever born, and don't you forget it!

Yeah.

Even making up that monologue in her head hadn't taken the edge off the boredom. She had to think up new ways of proclaiming her superiority, as she was running out of ways to rub it into her detractors' noses that she was just plain better than the low born masses.

Fortunately, if her inner clock was correct, and it usually was, then it would only be another fifteen minutes until Jiraiya would fetch them. She knew that it'd be faster and easier if they were already in a group when he came to collect them, but she also knew that her honorary grandfather, uncle and godfather was a tremendously skilled ninja, and would be able to gather them in a short amount of time.

But breaking off from the group first would mean that Satsuki would win, that she'd endured the presence of her rival for longer, and Naruto couldn't allow that. She wouldn't lose. Not to her.

"So... Card games?"

The pink haired boy... Sakura, his name was, or something like that... he was also a member of their team.

He was a major disappointment to Naruto. The reason why was fairly simple. She had expected him to live up to his father's legacy, to show her the might of the warrior who once made entire countries tremble under his might. To see the power of a legend's successor.

And what had she gotten instead?

Some sort of spineless coward who insulted both her and everyone else in class by having the audacity to hold back his strength when they sparred! She'd flat out refused to fight the boy until he took the class around him seriously, and when he started to do so, she'd been well past the point at which she'd give him a second chance. Even if her father insisted she look out for him from time to time, she'd done so grudgingly and distantly. He hadn't needed much help anyway. The wimp had found it easy to make friends, because unlike her he didn't show his superiority, he played himself as being in the same category as those below him...

What an idiot.

What kind of friend is it, if they would abandon you just for being who you are?

That was why Naruto hadn't bothered making friends with the pathetic children at the academy. If they disliked her, then they disliked her. If they liked her, then good. The boys were mostly lost causes anyway. Most of them couldn't take their eyes off of her chest, and while she was proud of the breasts she'd been gifted with, she wasn't fond of conversations wherein people talked to said breasts.

She supposed that was why the only boy she'd ever remotely tolerated was also ironically beneath her notice.

The idea that being offended by his behavior meant that she was, in fact, taking notice of him, didn't even cross her mind.

Still, she nodded her ascent. Card games.

"Which games do you guys know? Poker? Go Fish? Ninja Bluff?"

That last one caught her attention, and it seemed, it also caught her rival's attention. "What is that?" the bi- Satsuki asked.

"Well, I learned it back when I attended civilian school. Supposedly it's a game that emulates a ninja's nature as a trickster, liar and cheater. The game has a distinct set of rules, but the point of the game is to find ways to cheat those rules or bluff your opponent into folding. It works a bit like Poker in that sense," Sakura stated, looking distinctly pleased with the attention they were paying him. "Anyway, the rules are simple, but it takes a while to truly master the game..."

It turned out that the rules were, in fact, quite simple.

They basically came down to the guidelines of how to play the game and a basic reminder to not get caught when you're cheating. Cheating in and of itself was okay, the punishments came for being caught doing it. Naruto, naturally, was above the need to cheat, or even bluff. But she did it anyway. Because that's what a ninja does, isn't it? She was a good ninja. The best. Descended from the best. She couldn't be anything else.

Getting used to the values of the cards took a bit longer. Apparently, the Ace of Spades beat everything, followed by the Ace of Clubs, then the Seven of Spades, then the Seven of Diamonds, then threes, then twos, then the 'fake' aces, Hearts and Diamonds, and from there, the cards were played by their numerical value. The lowest cards were the Fours of each suit. Remembering all of that took one or two hands, as they were skilled ninja and adaptation was a basic necessity. Learning a game quickly could mean the difference between succesful infiltration and being pumped for information.

The simple game eventually became heated, as bets started to come and go. Of course, because she couldn't stand being shown to be inferior, the bi- Uchiha would always find a way to escalate the bet, which meant that, of course, Naruto would have to follow suit.

Unfortunately for the both of them, they got horribly unlucky at a horrible time and wound up losing what remained of their lunches, their pocket money, three dozen kunai and a dozen shuriken each to their pink haired teammate.

It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't just laughed and returned their material possessions. Really, Naruto could replace everything she'd lost quite easily, so it wasn't a problem for her.

Satsuki, meanwhile, seemed oddly glad that someone'd taken pity and been charitable towards her. "Having economical problems, Uchiha?" Naruto taunted, knowing full well that their economic situations were incomparable. Namikaze Minato had trouble finding things to do with all the money he had, while Uchiha Satsuki had trouble making end's meet, most likely due to her clan's mismanagement.

Well, they were all a bunch of idiots. Really, they even thought they could stand up to her father and survive!

The Uchiha girl flushed, clearly angry.

Well, at least there was a small victory to be found in the humiliating loss to her male teammate.

* * *

A few more rounds of the surprisingly entertaining game eventually made the last ten minutes of their downtime go flying by, and soon enough, Jiraiya of the Sannin, Gallant Toad Sage and a plethora of other titles, most of which involve the words 'Super' and 'Pervert', had shown up in a burst of smoke and green leaves.

To both Satsuki and Sakuro, this would be the first time they saw the legend in the flesh and he did in fact look the part of a legendary sage and warrior, standing tall and broad shouldered, a confident smirk on his face, his arms crossed and the wind blowing his long and spiky white hair behind himself. He cut quite an imposing figure.

His outfit's innermost layer was quite basic, a simple dark green garb that covered a mesh bodysuit. His torso was further covered by a bright red vest, which broke the camouflage effect of his green garb, but of course, Jiraiya would advertise his presence in the battlefield, rather than hide it, and did so by having quite a few details that made it quite clear who he was, such as the horned forehead protector with a nonstandard symbol, his red facial tattoos, the distinctive clack of his wooden sandals or even the massive sealing scroll that he carried attached to his lower back.

Jiraiya alone was a massive morale booster for his side, and tended to absolutely wreck the morale of anyone he was fighting, just by showing up. How could he be anything but a great general, when he changes the tide of the battle just by sheer presence? Well, he was a spymaster, but he could serve as a commander in a pinch.

Even though neither Sakuro nor Satsuki had ever met the man before, they recognized him immediately, as did mostly everyone else. That was the level of his fame.

Only then did it sink in to the two of them that their team had been chosen by a living legend, chosen by the man who had trained the fourth Hokage... and it made perfect sense.

It would only make sense, after all, for the Hokage to entrust the training of his daughter to the man who had turned him into the shinobi that he was. Sometimes, nepotism really paid.

The man seemed to scan the area with his eyes in a few short movements of his head, and then he smiled, clearly finding the featureless rooftop that the three genin hopefuls had chosen for their lunch to be appropriate, nodding. "I, Jiraiya, the Toad Sage of Myoboku-zan, have arrived!" he declared, his face grim and serious for all of two seconds before it was split with a great big grin that was almost scary, "to be your teacher!" he added.

Naruto smirked, and crossed her arms over her not inconsiderable chest, closing her eyes in what was clearly an expression of smug superiority. "Of course!" she stated, after a second, "who else could be chosen by my father to train me?" she asked, rhetorically.

"I'd thought it'd be Kakashi," Satsuki stated, frowning slightly, "he did imply as much when he visited me last week."

"There was a last minute change of plans," Jiraiya admitted, nodding at her. "I'll explain later. Now," he began, as he sat down on the ground, "I say we begin by introducing ourselves."

"You've read our files. You know who we are. We know each other, we went to the academy together," Satsuki pointed out, not missing a beat as she listed the reasons why this was pointless.

"Do you really know each other?" Jiraiya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"He's got a point... I don't really know either of you," Sakuro pointed out, looking between Naruto and Satsuki for a few seconds before returning his gaze to Jiraiya, seeing him nod in approval.

"You have a vague awareness of what each other is like, but you don't know what the others like, dislike, what their favorite food is, what their objectives in life are... all things said, you don't really know each other at all," Jiraiya said. "Of course, the files I read on yourselves had information that is completely useless to get to know you in person, too, so this is beneficial for me as well," he said.

"I see," Satsuki said, nodding in respect for the perfectly logical and sensible explanation. She'd expected something outlandish or him just telling them to do what he said without question. Much like Kakashi usually did. Then again, Kakashi seemed to delight in making her suffer to 'earn' her lessons, or so he said, so he was probably either just a dick or a way harsher mentor.

"Of course, he is right! My godfather is one of the best ninja out there," Naruto said, proudly, as if it was something to be proud of.

Satsuki hated her. A lot. Because of that boundless, infinite arrogance that just made her want to bend Naruto over and spank her until she stopped boasting about who her father was every other sentence. She was sure the girl had lacked a fierce disciplinarian in her formative years. Having her bottom spanked glowing red would likely do wonders for her attitude. Satsuki smirked to herself, thinking that 'glowing red' would be a good look on Naruto indeed. Still, she was right, Jiraiya really did make a name for himself entirely on his own talent, unlike many she could name who'd just gotten massively lucky.

"So... Pinky boy, you go first, because I like saying pinky boy," Jiraiya said, smiling a confident smile that meant he would take no talk back. It was strange how he could so casually issue an absolute order, but Satsuki supposed it came with experience.

"Oh. Okay," Sakuro said, clearly either not noticing or not caring about being called pinky boy, "My name is Haruno Sakuro. I like studying, and researching. I dislike violence. I guess my favorite food is steamed rice," he said, rubbing his chin as he thought about what kind of food he liked best.

It was usually a complicated question, Satsuki supposed, considering that he ate more than most Akimichi. Who knew if he even tasted the food he pushed down his gullet?

"I want to become a scholar," he said, with an air of defeated resignation. Satsuki assumed it was because he was seeking a civilian profession even though he'd become a shinobi. A reluctant ninja was a dead ninja. She just hoped he didn't wind up dragging both of his teammates down and causing their deaths. Satsuki had nothing against him, but she didn't want to die because of him either.

"I guess that's it. Uchiha-chan, what about you?" Jiraiya asked, turning around to face Satsuki with a raised eyebrow and an easy smile.

"My name is Uchiha Satsuki. I like tomatoes. I hate spicy food," she said, remembering the early years after she'd been orphaned.

"Ooh, bet Kakashi didn't like that," Jiraiya stated, very obviously amused. She assumed he knew full well that Kakashi did, in fact, like spicy food very much. Probably because she disliked it. Kakashi was a dick like that. Nah. He couldn't be that petty.

"I don't think he cared," Satsuki muttered, before shaking her head, "I will bring my clan back to greatness, and prove myself as the best head it's ever had!" Plus, there was also the idea of finishing her ancestors' work, but that wasn't a public fact. Plus, given who her ancestors were, it might be best not to mention it.

"Sounds good enough, I suppose. Now, what about you, Princess?" Jiraiya asked, turning to Konoha's Spoiled Rotten Princess, who seemed to be just as amused as Jiraiya had been, blushing slightly. "What can you tell us about yourself?"

"You wish to know about a noble's life? Well, the standard recital takes about two hours," she said, with a positively gleeful smile on her face.

"Just give me the short version," Jiraiya said, gesturing with his hand.

"I suppose I can do that," she said, nodding, "my name is Namikaze Naruto. I like my father and my mansion. I dislike idiots who think with their fists. My favorite meal... Ramen, I guess."

Huh. That was surprisingly simple and mundane for someone like her. Satsuki had thought she'd choose some super expensive, exotic meal that had to be imported from somewhere, or something equally outlandish and outrageous to her ego. Ramen definitely wasn't what Satsuki'd had in her mind for such a spoiled rotten brat.

"Figures," Jiraiya said, shaking his head, clearly amused still.

"I don't have a dream, because I know it's the future. I will become as great as my father," she said, simply.

"We'll work on that," Jiraiya said, nodding at her, before he turned to them entirely. "And you know who I am, of course, the gallant Sage Jiraiya, of Myoboku-zan. I like sexy girls, dislike violent flatboards and my favorite meal is... well, if I told you, Minato would castrate me, so let's not go there," he said, nodding and closing his eyes, as if in thought, "my dream is to achieve world peace through love, spread by my own work!"

"Peace?" Sakuro asked, sounding somewhat forlorn, "sounds nice..." he said.

"Of course it does. But it's never going to come unless the people working towards it are real, SS class badasses. You know, like me," Jiraiya said, gesturing towards himself as he did. Then the man stood up. "Okay. Now, normally, this would be where your teacher would lie to you and tell you there's another genin test. There isn't. The test that follows is to determine whether or not you remain with the elites or are sent towards the regular forces. You'll remain genin either way. Tomorrow, I want you all at six AM sharp in training ground thirteen for your test. Remember, your career depends on this. You might not want to eat a heavy breakfast, you might just wind up returning it."

Sakuro grimaced, Satsuki frowned and Naruto seemed unaffected.

Sometimes, Satsuki envied Naruto's simple and one track mind. Because it was at these moments that her blood ran cold, with the very real fear of failure, while her hated rival seemed to believe the very possibility of failure to be inconceivable. Though whether her confidence was misplaced or not...

That remained to be seen.

Either way, Satsuki did not fancy becoming part of the regular forces any time soon. She was an Uchiha, she came from an elite clan, and she'd be damned before she did them such a disservice as having a leader who became a career genin.

* * *

"So, this is probably not going to go as well as we hoped it would. They're mostly ambivalent to each other," Jiraiya said, leaning back on the plush armchair that he'd just pulled out of a storage seal. He'd never liked the uncomfortable wooden chairs that were all over the Hokage tower. "And Naruto and Satsuki just dislike each other too much."

"I disagree," a voice spoke, as the door to the Hokage's office opened, showing that behind it stood one Mitokado Homura, followed behind by Utatane Koharu and Shimura Danzo, who hobbled bringing up the rear. "This team will work," Homura added.

Koharu nodded with a grim expression on her face. "There are ways to force a bond upon them. I trust that you are more than capable of forcing the appropriate situations, Jiraiya," she said.

"Of course I am," the toad sage said, glaring at the old, dried up prunes, not caring in the slightest for the slight against his abilities.

"Good. Then I see no problem. They do not have personalities that would clash beyond a bond forged in the fires of conflict," Homura stated, simply. "Their squabbles are petty and meaningless, after all, and most likely would cease if familiarity brings understanding, as we hope."

"If, perhaps, someone had made more of an effort to curb a certain spoiled brat's ego and arrogance-"

Danzo never got to finish that sentence, because the room's temperature lowered quiet a few degress. "When I require your parenting advice, Councilman, I will request it. Until then, kindly keep your opinions to yourself," Minato said with a smile on his face. It was a smile that could send most shinobi running for the hills.

"Duly noted," Danzo said, dryly, making a show of proving he was not intimidated. "I suppose, then, that you would not consent to letting your daughter receive extraneous training today, yes?"

"You'd be right," Minato said. "You will never have her. Not now, not ever."

Jiraiya grinned. "By the by, I really should return this to you," he said, pulling a small scroll edged in black on both sides from the inner pockets of his red vest and handing it to Danzo. "Spying on a spymaster, Danzo? Bad form, that."

At this, the one eyed, scarred councilman huffed. "It's an insignificant loss."

"And then you go on to wonder why you'll never be Hokage," Minato said, shaking his head. "Now, Jiraiya and I were having a conversation, so if you could kindly leave, I'd be most appreciative," Minato said, offering Homura and Koharu a smile that, much like the one he'd given to Danzo before, clearly conveyed that he'd tolerate no dissent.

The councilmen, and woman, excused themselves and promptly left, leaving Jiraiya and Minato alone. "I still don't know why I'm the one doing this. Wouldn't Kakashi be a better choice?" Jiraiya asked.

Minato sighed and shook his head. "No. Kakashi would pit them against each other in an attempt to get them to spur each other into success, while trying to build camaraderie based on their rivalry. You know, kind of how Gai would jump to defend Kakashi from anyone else because he's the only one allowed to defeat Kakashi," the Hokage said, looking up at the ceiling. "With most teams, particularly when they come with pre-formed rivalries, it'd take a little work, but the possible rewards would be great. In this case, though..."

Jiraiya frowned. "We can't take the associated risks, right?" Jiraiya asked. "They might grow to hate each other, and that would be terrible."

At this, the student looked at his teacher as if he'd just said something so obvious and idiotic that only someone who's obviously idiotic could've said it. Jiraiya just grinned in response, probably having done it on purpose to annoy Minato. "We've worked too hard on setting all three of them on the right path to lose track of it now."

The toad sage nodded. "I know," he said, "but we won't be able to keep guiding them the way we have now for much longer. It'll be up to them soon enough."

"I can only hope we did enough..." Minato said, turning around and looking at Konoha from above, through the window behind the Hokage's desk, with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Heh. Sensei's been giving you lessons on old man talk and poses?" Jiraiya asked, grinning like a fool.

Minato pouted.

* * *

"So, did you all eat breakfast?" Jiraiya asked.

"I did," Sakuro noted, looking somewhat sheepish.

"This looked like something Kakashi might do. So I did too," Satsuki admitted, raising an eyebrow as if to tell him that his bluff had been called.

Naruto frowned and looked at the both of them. "Disobeying orders-"

Jiraiya raised one hand and then brought it down to pat her head. "Actually, princess, they're in the right here. It was never an order. It was a suggestion. You're all going to have to do heavy physical exercise today, so I told you not to eat a heavy breakfast. A light snack would've been best," he said, nodding.

At this, Naruto frowned. "Truly?" she asked, looking somewhat distressed at being proven wrong.

"Yep. Anyway, let's move on to the meat right from the get go, okay?" Jiraiya said, moving from his position until he stood in front of his lined up students. Then he dug into his pocket and produced a pair of silver bells. One of them had a small scratch, but they were otherwise unremarkable. He showed them to his students and then used a piece of string to attach them to the hem of his red vest. "As you can see, I've tied a pair of bells to my clothes. Whoever gets a bell will become an elite shinobi. The other will be relegated to the main forces," Jiraiya stated, smiling widely. "Any questions?"

"Yes, actually, how does this test make any sense given the four man team structure that all five of the Great Shinobi Villages tend to favor?" Satsuki asked, crossing her arms.

"There hasn't been a deviation of this for Elite teams for twenty years. Genin Teams are only three or two men strong in case of a deceased teammate," Sakuro noted, "and even then, the missing team member is usually quickly replaced. Genin teams under chunin are never less than three to a chunin, while the standard averages at six," he added, expanding further.

"There are currently two Elite teams in need of a teammate, who were waiting for this Genin Graduation to get the members they were missing. The two of you who remain in the elite forces from here will join one of those teams, and the 'surplus' genin will be put on the other team. It's overly complicated and unecessarily complex, but Sensei has his reasons to do things the way he does," Jiraiya said, shrugging. "Anyway, if you want to remain elites, then you'll have to take one of these," he said, smacking the bells with his fingers and making them jingle, "from me. If you hold back at all, you won't even be able to touch me, so put your backs into it."

The three genin nodded, the seriousness of the situation clear.

Jiraiya grinned.

"Get ready? Set? Go!"

And then he was gone in a blur of leaves and smoke.

He'd never said he'd remain in the training ground, after all.

* * *

Next Chapter:

Brothels, Hot Springs, Bars, Casinos, Naruto gets drunk, Satsuki struggles with her sexuality and Sakuro is the luckiest bastard ever born. Fanservice, intrigue, fanservice, action, fanservice and comedy! All this, though probably not in that order, and maybe not all in the next chapter, will be coming soon to a screen near you!*

*This paragraph might be full of lies.


	5. Boobs!

If it moves, kill it.

If it doesn't move, kill it harder.

If you're dealing zero damage, poop your pants and hope you saved recently.

-How To Play Disgaea

* * *

**Boobs!**

Jiraiya had left them alone, and they had to chase him.

Obviously, it didn't take them long to figure that out.

It didn't take them long to figure out where he might go, either. Naruto knew her godfather, and knew exactly where he'd be.

And so, a tall boy with pink hair in a red gi with a weighted dark blue undershirt, along with similarly weighted and colored boots and wristbands, a girl in a blue sweater with an uchiha fan emblazoned on her back and a criminally short skirt, accompanied by thigh high stockings for accent and a busty blonde in what amounted to a dress-version of the fourth Hokage's famous long coat, set off on their journey to find their teacher.

* * *

"So..."

All three members of Team 13, or rather, the team that would one day become Team 13, were blushing bright red. "You're looking for Jiraiya-sama, yes?" the matron asked. "Well... we don't usually get people requesting one of our clients-"

The entire building was permeated by the smell of stale sweat and other bodily fluids. Naruto'd plugged her nose with a napkin since the moment they'd walked in, and had outright refused to open her mouth unless she absolutely had to. Furthermore, her scowl was quite noticeable, as she, the daughter of the Hokage, could not allow herself to swallow that immense ego of hers long enough to at least pretend she wasn't a snob.

"Uhm... actually, we're supposed to... catch him to pass our genin test..." Sakuro offered. "We're really sorry for the inconvenience, but-"

"Ah, no, no, that's okay," the woman said, "I'd thought you looked a bit young, but... Ah, did Jiraiya-sama take a new genin team? This is an occassion to celebrate! I'm sure he'd agree to you spending at least a little time here to celebrate!" the woman said, smiling brightly. "C'mere, you," she said, grabbing at Sakuro's shoulder and pulling him along with her.

The building had low light, as far as they'd seen, but the woman pulled Sakuro along until they reached a door that opened to the true business, so to speak.

The first place that Team 13 had visited in their search for Jiraiya was a strip club. And Sakuro had to grab his nose to stem the flow of blood as he'd just casually walked in to a rather attractive female's routine reaching its crescendo, what with her removing the strips of cloth that passed for a top and exposing her breasts to the audience. Sakuro turned around, blushing brightly, to try to avoid the image.

He came face to face with Naruto, who looked bemused at the whole thing, but she just crossed her arm.

"Not the time to be a pervert, Sakuro-kun," Satsuki said, also looking at him with an expression that revealed her low opinion of the stablishment, as well as disappointment in Sakuro himself.

It was quite odd.

"C'mere, c'mere," the woman said, pulling insistently, though Sakuro dug his heels in and resisted, "we'll put it on Jiraiya's tab - I'm sure he'll be happy to pay for your initiation into the world of adults, boya," she added, a sultry smile on her face that would've fit a woman twenty years her junior quite a bit better. The woman then paused and turned to his female companions. "Oh, I guess I forgot you're accompanied. Ah - we offer mostly entertainment for men, here... Unless, perhaps you're interested, yes?" she asked, giving both girls a critical eye.

Naruto scoffed, shaking her head, while Satsuki glared indignantly at the woman for a few seconds.

"Is Jiraiya-jisan here, or not? We have very little time to spend in frivolous pursuits," Naruto said, crossing her arms and pushing her breasts a bit up.

"Hm hm hm... you're quite cute, girl... you'd make a great dancer, you know?" the woman said, grinning lecherously, before the words Naruto'd spoken really registered. They registered a second after, however, as she clearly ran them through their head again. "Wait... Only one person in the village would refer to Jiraiya-sama with such familiarity..."

It was then that the woman seemed to pale significantly.

"N-N-Naruto-sama!" the woman nearly yelled, stammering as she became terrified.

Of course. It was only right for her to be terrified. She'd just tried to turn the Hokage's daughter into a stripper and eventually a prostitute.

Naruto clicked her tongue. She should be immediately recognized! "I asked you a question," Naruto said, before frowning and just pushing through anyway. Her eyes scanned the crowd. Finding no mass of spiky white hair, she scoffed. "No matter. He's not here. Let us depart. I need a long bath to rid myself of the grime I've accumulated," she said.

Satsuki shrugged. "The faster we get out of here, the better."

"No arguments here," Sakuro said.

Team 13 left, leaving the woman gaping as she came to the realization that she'd just offended one of the worst people she could've offended in the village.

* * *

"I am beginning to think your godfather might be an absolute pervert," Satsuki said, frowning, as Naruto paid for the time they'd spend in the hot springs. She'd said she needed a bath, but Satsuki hadn't expected her to literally take them to the hotsprings next.

Naruto seemed to ignore her words, instead making her purse disappear with a flourish. A storage seal, no doubt. An horribly advanced form of it, at that, but then again, Satsuki could only sit back and admire the work of the Fourth Hokage. Perhaps, when her own abilities at sealing grew enough, she'd be able to request training from the Fourth Hokage. He'd always told her that if she needed anything at all, she could always ask him. So far, she'd never quite gone as far as using that blank check, but... Without a proper sealmaster to teach her, eventually she'd hit a wall.

"Do you have a swimsuit with you?" Naruto asked, casually turning to Satsuki.

"Should I?" Satsuki asked.

"Yes - these hotsprings are mixed gender at this hour," Naruto explained, shortly. Then she seemed to be in conflict with herself, for a few moments. "I don't think mine will fit you."

Satsuki's eyes narrowed, then her eyes trailed down a little. "I do have a storage seal with everything I might possibly need in the wild prepared," Satsuki admitted. "I'd half expected to have to swim, so I am wearing it right now."

Naruto blinked, then smiled, as if in approval, before frowning a bit, then shaking her head. "You, Sakuro?"

Oh. Yeah. There was a guy with them too, Satsuki reminded herself.

"Err... I don't have one..." he admitted, "and I don't usually use swimsuits..."

"I suppose it's okay. It's not like we're perverts, though there might be some in the hot springs themselves," Satsuki said, frowning and rubbing her chin a little.

"I'll... deal with that as it comes, I guess," Sakuro said, smiling reassuringly and scratching the back of his neck.

* * *

Sakuro sometimes worried about silly things.

But now, however, he had a very real worry. Being naked in front of his teammates wasn't something that was entirely new to him, as in a sense, he'd been naked in front of lots of people already. His full body medical exams, for instance. He used to go swimming completely naked, as well, and quite often at that. There was a nudist beach not too far from Konoha that he and his father had used to frequent for training, though why the man insisted on swimming naked was beyond Sakuro. Probably just habit.

It really was more comfortable than wearing clothes, he supposed, but now it put him into a bit of a spot of trouble, maybe, kind of, sort of.

He supposed he could blame this on Naruto. She was the one who insisted on all three of them going into the hot springs together. He could've been content just waiting outside for them. Even worse, she'd insisted on mixed gender pools, instead of gender separated ones. Admittedly, the latter kind were fairly hard to find in Konoha, for some reason beyond Sakuro's understanding.

So, despite being somewhat accustomed to being naked in front of others, and not self conscious of his body in the least, what was bothering Sakuro, exactly?

He didn't know. That was the problem. He wasn't entirely sure why, he just didn't want, for the first time, to show his naked body to someone else.

For the first time, he was feeling self conscious about his body. The only question was... why?

It wasn't even the first time he ever visited a mixed gender hot spring!

So... why?

His eyes went, against his will, towards his teammates, both of whom walked ahead of him. It seemed both of them had picked up on his embarrassment, and had allowed him to walk sullenly behind them. However, Naruto had made it clear she wouldn't allow him to not go. She'd already paid, anyway, and even attempts at paying her back were met by the stone wall of someone whose ego you were challenging.

Clearly, she wasn't about to be denied, not any time soon.

His eyes focused on Satsuki first, as she was directly in front of him.

All things said, she had a fantastic body, which she could probably attribute to good genetics combined with consistent and constant exercise. She was toned, not overly so, possessing the lean physique of an acrobat. At least, she was lean unless you counted the fact that her breasts looked quite big on her. They were not particularly big breasts, but Satsuki happened to be a fairly thin and lean girl, and as such, they looked a fair bit bigger than they actually were. They were usually hidden by the thick, long sleeved clothes that she wore, and rarely displayed as openly as this.

Sakuro supposed that, considering her already existing fan club, it hadn't done much good to avoid attention anyway.

Satsuki also seemed to lack modesty, considering that she'd gone for a fairly brief red two piece bikini that didn't leave much to the imagination. Oh, it covered everything important quite nicely, but... were female swimsuits always like that?

He hadn't ever truly noticed before, but females tended to wear very skimpy swimsuits. At least kunoichi seemed to. Sakuro absent mindedly recalled swimming lessons back at the academy, and he distinctily remembered that the kunoichi that came from shinobi families tended to wear very small swimsuits.

Then again, so did shinobi. It'd been the most anyone had ever seen of Shino's skin, and Kiba had been making very lewd gestures as a joke while wearing a speedo that would've made even a stripper blush.

Sakuro supposed that brief clothing was a quirk that shinobi in general shared. Most of them seemed aware of their sex appeal and willing to exploit it.

Case in point, Namikaze Naruto.

Of course, Sakuro had been expecting something along the lines of what she'd brought along for herself. Whereas most girls went for brief, but perfectly acceptable and standard choices in terms of clothes, Naruto seemed to regard their choices in clothing with the same eyes she regarded their grades. As in, with the eyes of someone having to strain their vision from far above.

In this situation, however, it meant that Naruto had skipped "skimpy" and gone straight for scandalous. Sakuro knew she was wearing a bottom only because he could see it the string-wide white lines that connected the back to the front.

It was amazing how mesmerizing a woman walking could be when there was precious little to impede your view of her backside, Sakuro noted. At least, it seemed that way, given that not one but three people had crashed into walls as their eyes just became glued to Naruto's form.

It didn't help that the only thing covering her breasts was a pair of white triangles, with string so thin it was pracitcally invisible being the only indication that it was a bikini top and not a pair of pasties she'd stuck onto her chest.

Sakuro shivered as he focused his mind off the globes of feminine flesh that were straining their container, which seemed like they'd burst out at any time. Focusing his eyes on his other teammate didn't help. Covered though she might be, Satsuki was still a tantalizing image at any time. Being covered made her perhaps even moreso than being naked. Not only being tempted by what he could see, but what was hidden, Sakuro decided to just stare at the floor, keep his eyes locked on it as much as he could.

Maybe, if he was lucky, they wouldn't look at him.

And particularly, he hoped they wouldn't look at his crotch. THAT would cause quite a few problems, down the line.

* * *

"So... what are we waiting for?" Satsuki asked, as she relaxed into the hot waters of the hot spring.

"Oh. No, we didn't come here to see if jisan was here. I really, really needed to feel clean," Naruto said, smiling and relaxing, letting herself sink up to her neck and closing her eyes.

"You're aware that we're wasting time, right?" Satsuki said, flatly.

Naruto hummed. "He didn't give us a time limit," Naruto said. "Besides, there's no way that I would fail this test. We have time to take it calmly," she said, clearly too delighted in what she was doing to add her usual condescendence to every sentence she spoke to her rival. She stretched a bit and looked up and towards her other, male teammate. "Sakura-kun, get in," she nearly ordered.

Sakuro protested, but he still did go into the pool, sitting down. Unlike both females, he couldn't quite sink entirely just by sitting, and as such, he had to half-sit, half-lay down. The curses of being tall, he supposed. He did reap the rewards, as well, such as being able to reach the higher shelves unaided, but sometimes it sucked. "That feels great," he said with a groan.

"It's a great way to relax, and rest your muscles," Satsuki conceded. "Speaking of muscles... I'm impressed," she admitted, smiling in a clearly appreciative manner. "I wonder why I never noticed before..." she mused.

"He usually wears long sleeved, heavy and baggy clothing," Naruto commented, airily, closing her eyes.

Satsuki nodded, humming a little and leaning back. "You're like that all over, too..." she said, her eyes roving over the entirety of Sakuro's body. She chuckled when he covered his crotch, shaking her head, laughing a little more when she looked up and saw him blushing with an embarrassed frown on his face.

Sakuro glared at her for a second, before he frowned a little more. "I don't know how you can ignore all the eyes on you, though..." he admitted.

"This is a primarily civilian pastime. Shinobi generally don't have the time. So mostly, you'll see civilians here. Civilians who aren't used to seeing the naked bodies of shinobi, male or female," Satsuki explained. "This is the case all over the village. You'll have to get used to it. You're a very attractive young lad, so of course this'd happen," she reasoned.

Sakuro blushed crimson red at that, and it had little to do with the water's temperature. "But still... I think that guy over there's drooling..." he said, gesturing with his shoulder at a man who was, indeed, drooling.

"Well, you've never been to one of the high class parties that Naruto REALLY dresses up for. Trust me. I've seen her literally knock people unconscious just by showing up, all dolled up," Satsuki said, sighing as her cheeks colored a little. "If you think she's pretty now..."

At this, Sakuro whistled, looking uneasily at where Naruto seemed to have relaxed to the point that she might very well be taking a nap. "Really?"

"Yes. Well, if you really want to see it for yourself, I usually never have a date to those parties. I think there's one about a month from now. I think it's the daimyo's nephew's son's step uncle's birthday or something like that. I'll tell you when I get an invitation and you'll see for yourself."

Sakuro nodded, smiling and giving her his thanks. It'd be a new, different experience, and he was always up for those.

There wasn't much more to their time spent in the hot springs... though Satsuki did remind the civilian audience that she was, indeed, a kunoichi, and that she could, in fact, kill each and every single one of them with her bare hands in less time than it'd take for the ANBU response team to arrive and stop her.

Some would've thought that this would've been the result of some idiot groping her or something along the lines, right' Except nobody was that stupid. Not dumb enough to grope a kunoichi, anyway. After all, the laws in Konoha allowed any ninja who felt assaulted in any way, shape or form, to defend themselves as they saw fit, and it was known that the authorities wouldn't punish those who beat up perverts all that harshly.

No, in fact, there was no man who provoked Satsuki's anger.

It was actually a woman.

And it wasn't someone groping her.

No, it was someone groping Sakuro. Of course, she wouldn't have cared all that much, except that he was clearly severely uncomfortable already, and that woman wasn't making it easy for her teammate to relax. Suffice to say, Sakuro himself got a lecture on allowing people to take advantage of him just because he'd been raised not to attack defenseless civilian women.

She blamed his civilian schooling for that. They were the so called rules of the playground, after all.

* * *

"So, what's next on the possible list of places our wayward teacher might've hit?"

"Bars," Naruto said, "they are excellent places to gather gossip and information. Any ninja worth their salt knows this. Either jisan will be in the Pig's Head, or there'll be someone who knows where he is."

"The Pig's what?" Sakuro asked. "I thought you're not supposed to eat that."

"Well, you can, but-" Satsuki explained, before shaking her head.

"It's a bar that jisan frequents, it's where he meets his contacts in Konoha."

* * *

Somewhere, deep within, Satsuki had been half expecting a run down, seedy little place in one of the poorer neighborhoods of Konoha, where the scum of the earth met to discuss their vile doings.

Instead, however, it was a clean, quaint and welcoming place, with a warm fire roaring at the very center, where no less than three whole pigs were being roasted to be served. The bar apparently doubled as a grill, and given that it was quite large, it was probably fit to host parties, as well. It was even placed in a rather nice neighborhood, with clean streets and homes, even if most were quite old, and some having front yards suffering the signs of neglect.

It was strangely disappointing, given that she'd half expected to wander into the bar, slam her fist against the counter and demand information.

The owner was a very tall man wearing what looked like an old and worn, but lovingly cared for robe, hidding an impeccable business suit that could only be occassionally glimpsed behind his massive white beard, which was only matched in length by his hair, also white as snow. He introduced himself with a long and complex name, but told them to just call him Shiroi, it was his nickname, after all.

He had, indeed, seen Jiraiya drop by earlier. "Energetic young lad, that one," the man said, smiling fondly.

Lad?

Jiraiya was at least fifty years old.

Apparently Shiroi was just ancient, it seemed, and to him Jiraiya was a lad. Given that the old man predated the foundation of Konoha, it was very much possible. Nobody was quite sure how old he was, from what they could gather, but still, to call Jiraiya 'lad'...

"Would you mind telling us, if you know, where he went from here?" Sakuro asked.

"Sure. Perhaps you'd care for a drink before you leave?" the man asked, smiling at them, gesturing towards the scores of bottles behind him, all neatly arranged in some fashion lost to them.

"No, thanks," Satsuki said, "I don't really drink."

"I don't do good with alcohol," Sakuro admitted, frowning a bit.

Naruto shook her head, but didn't speak.

"Well, that's too bad, because when he left here, he told me that at least one of you would have to drink this whole bottle," he said, as he pulled out a long, transparent bottle that had a milky, semi-transparent white fluid within. It sloshed gently as he laid it on the bar, "before I'd tell you where he went to."

"So, he knew we were going to come here?" Sakuro said.

"Of course he did. He probably planned for it, knowing I knew he'd come here. He is, after all, an exemplary shinobi," Naruto said, closing her eyes and smiling smugly, as if the man's achievements reflected on her.

Satsuki believed that Naruto probably did.

Sakuro flat out didn't care, he just wanted to get it over with. "I... really can't hold my liquor," he admitted. "A single sake saucer will get me drunk."

"That's pathetic," the white bearded man said, "I'm really sorry for you."

"Yeah... I am too..." Sakuro admitted, slumping.

Satsuki sighed. "I'm a bit of a lightweight, too... Okay, I'm REALLY light weight. Excuse me for being short!" she said, clearly offended that she'd have to admit it. "But you... you've got space to put the alcohol in, don't you? With those huge breasts of yours..." she said, glaring snidely at Naruto, who scoffed. "Or maybe you're just too scared that you'll get drunk and look stupid in front of everyone?"

"As if a single bottle of any alcoholic beverage could best me! I will show you!" she yelled, grabbing hold of the bottle's neck, and then putting it to her lips before she threw her head back, the bottle following her movements until she was pouring the liquid down her throat.

"Well... that was easy," Shiroi stated, somewhat disappointed.

"Naruto's really, really easy to manipulate, if you know how," Satsuki admitted, shrugging, though her eyes strayed to Naruto's throat, as she gulped the liquid down.

"I don't think this is healthy," Shiroi admitted.

"Eh. She'll live. Maybe she'll learn a lesson, too," Satsuki said.

Sakuro frowned. "Are you sure? I think people have died from consuming less than that at a slower rate... That's really high quality sake, isn't it?"

"Yep," Shiroi confirmed. "Jiraiya shelled out for you guys to get a taste of the good stuff," he said.

After a few seconds more, Naruto was done, and she put the bottle down, before wiping her lips, and glaring at Satsuki. "See? There!" she said, gesturing to the bottle.

"Huh. So you could. And you're perfectly fine... great, another thing to be envious about..." Satsuki muttered to herself, before shaking her head. "Now, the clue..?"

"Ah. Yes. Jiraiya said he was going to the Golden Hind," Shiroi stated, looking at Naruto for a few seconds, before shaking his head. "Don't worry, Jiraiya paid for the bottle before, so you can go. Uh... take care... I guess."

"We will. Thank you," Sakuro said, nodding eagerly.

Satsuki and Naruto offered their own thanks and the genin team moved out.

"Huh. Jiraiya said that should've been enough to get all of them drunk... did he really misjudge her tolerance that much?" Shiroi asked himself, as the genin team crossed the boundary of the door. "Oh. Well. I've got five minutes 'till Anko-chan drops by for a refill..."

* * *

Sakuro was starting to worry a little.

Naruto had not been as unaffected as they'd thought by the bottle of sake she'd thrown back in something like a minute.

In fact, he could see her eyes drooping slightly, and her face becoming flushed. As they walked, her steps became wobbly, too, and she sometimes swayed from side to side, almost as if she had trouble walking straight. Which... she probably did. Naruto was quite likely smashed, and it showed. Maybe it was a bad idea to let her drink it all... but he'd be in the same state with just a little sip, and he didn't know if Satsuki would've reacted much better to the alcohol herself.

The fact that Naruto was even standing at all showed that she had quite a bit more tolerance for the nasty stuff than they did. The fact that she hadn't puked it out at least told as much. Given how horrible it felt when it went down, Sakuro wondered if she was more experienced in drinking than one'd expect. After all, it takes a while to get used to the burning sensation.

Regardless, he was starting to get worried that they might not make it to the golden hind.

This place, he did know. It was one of the most well known tourist spots in Konoha, the Nara casino. Apparently, the Konoha's clan of lazy bastards, or so they called themselves, weren't so lazy when it came to earning lots of money with little effort, relatively speaking.

Naruto managed to keep her head straight long enough to make it to the casino without any real incidents, though some people did look a little oddly at the Hokage's daughter, as she was clearly suffering from some sort of malady.

Or at least the hiccups. She was suffering from those, too, periodically.

They were almost denied entrance, given that one of their number was clearly inebriated, but Sakuro could easily pass for a full adult, and Satsuki had her headband to fall back on. Naruto didn't even need that much, as she as let in as soon as the bouncer recognized her as the Hokage's daughter, who everyone knew was graduating from the academy that year. Even if she also looked quite drunk.

Suffice to say, it didn't take a genius to notice the obvious guards that were keeping an eye on them. It wouldn't do for the Hokage's bratty daughter to start an incident in their casino, after all.

Team 13 ignored the machines all around them, arranged in different ways, and pushed past the blackjack, poker and roulette tables. They were going straight to the back, where they'd be able to have a quiet moment in a room to recollect themselves. Acquiring the room itself was easy. They were rented for relatively cheap prices, and there were quite a few. It was just nice that the casino also functioned as a hotel.

Naruto insisted on getting the nicest room they could, and threw a black credit card to Sakuro, ordering him to get them the penthouse. The high rollers' suites were unavailable, for reasons obvious to everyone, but enough money to throw at the problem fixes anything. Including the lack of reservations. Naruto had a lot of money to throw at her problems, fortunately for Team 13.

Room service brought them a complimentary lunch, a full roasted chicken with potatoes, both sweet and the normal variety, as well as three different kinds of salad. It also came with champaigne.

For some reason, the trolley that their lunch had been brought in with also had a box with several condoms, and the bus boy who'd brought it along had looked at Sakuro with a face full of such envy that the pink haired boy thought he might just explode on the spot. Sakuro was left confused as the guy bit his lip and fell to his knees, proclaiming how he wasn't worthy, before he turned around and left.

From the dark stains on the carpet, it was clear he was crying as he boarded the employee-only elevator.

Sakuro was left deeply confused, though he wheeled the trolley in.

The chicken didn't last long. Naruto was quite clearly ravenously hungry, and while they still brought out the boxed lunches they'd made for just such an occassion, they'd eaten everything, though Naruto ate most of the chicken. She also drank most of the champaigne, which both Satsuki and Sakuro barely touched.

"Ne, ne, Shakura-kun... Yur hair'sh purdy..." Naruto said, out of the blue, somewhat startling her teammates.

Sakuro frowned at the use of his nickname, as well as the reference to his hair. He frowned even more at how Naruto was slurring her words.

"Well, this is great. She's annoying while sober, I can only imagine how annoying she's going to be when drunk," Satsuki groaned, giving a long suffering sigh as she turned to the large, king sized bed that dominated the penthouse. "Well.. good thing she chose a room with such a comfortable bed... 'cause she'd complain if she didn't have silk sheets, I'm sure."

"Nuh uh!" Naruto said, glaring at her, though she was wagging her finger with aim a little to the left of her intended target.

"Yes, you would, now shut up and take a nap. You're drunk," Satsuki said, crossing her arms.

Sakuro sighed, and went to lift Naruto by her armpits, intent on throwing her onto the bed. He remembered his mother doing this to his father when he'd come home after getting beaten up to the point he was dizzy hours after the fact. Naruto, however, proved her great physical strength was intact by shaking him off. Ironically, hiccuping right then and there was enough to give her the opening she needed to do so. "Ish not!" she said.

"Yes you are," Satsuki said, then held up four fingers in front of Naruto's face. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Ff... f-hic-four!" Naruto said, triumphantly. Then she blinked. "Er... six?" she asked, hopefully.

Satsuki shook her head. "I hate dealing with you, when you get like this, idiot," Satsuki muttered, before actually walking up to her and picking up the blonde, trying to get her to lean on her slimmer body for support.

"You shmell... nice... Mikoto-obashan!"

At this, Sakuro was forced to step in to steady both Naruto and Satsuki, as the latter had stumbled on an invisible snag on the red carpet below them.

"Mikoto-obashan... you sh-hic-shaid... you shaid daddy would be home, obashan... why you lie?" Naruto asked, breaking the one armed hug that kept her on her feet, or at least trying to, only to stumble and head to the floor, pulling Satsuki with her.

Unfortunately, there was a mass of man named Sakuro on the way, and she knocked into him, forcing him to be the bottom of the pile.

"Shakura-kun, tell obashan that shesh a liar!" Naruto commanded, poking Sakuro in the chest as she did. "She told me daddy'd be home. She alwaysh shaid daddy'd be home... -Hic- But 'e never sch-shuw-shew-came! Why? Obashan... why'd you lie to Naruto..."

Sakuro found himself experiencing something he never thought he would, as he felt Naruto's body spasm above him, sobs escaping her mouth as her words became even more slurred and almost undecipherable. He felt incredibly awkward, as he felt on his left side a squirming body trying to pull herself out of the pile, as Satsuki was trying to push Naruto off her while at the same time pushing herself off Sakuro.

She was muttering curses, because Naruto's hand was clinging tightly to her, not letting her go.

Sakuro's right arm was free, though not for much longer, as he reached as best as he could to try and pat Naruto's back, as she continued to sob while clinging tightly to both of her teammates.

It wouldn't be until five minutes later that Naruto would finally calm down and succumb to her emotional exhaustion, enough to let her body relax. From there, it took little effort for Satsuki to separate from them.

Sakuro stood, awkwardly trying his best to lift Naruto bridal style, until he could lay her down to rest on the bed, while Satsuki went to dim the lights.

"Should we..." Sakuro asked, looking at the skin-tight body suit that Naruto wore, along with the dress styled in such a way that it marked her as the fourth Hokage's daughter everywhere she went, styled after the man's own. It was clearly not something comfortable to sleep in.

"Give me a minute. I'll change her into some of my pajamas. I don't know how the storage seals on her pouch work, they're really advanced stuff, so I can't open them. Here, help me pull off her clothes-" Satsuki said, pulling on one of Naruto's coat's sleeves while keeping her arm in place.

Sakuro went red at this. "B-But I'm a boy- I'll just wait outside," he said.

"Nonsense. This isn't anything you haven't seen before. I saw her change. Her underwear covers more than her swimsuit," Satsuki said, rolling her eyes.

Turns out that, despite her risqué choice in swimwear, Naruto happened to be wearing much more conservative underwear, and while her breasts strained the silk nightgown that Satsuki had pulled out for her, it managed to cover her modesty nonetheless.

Sakuro still wouldn't stop blushing all the way from the tips of his toes to the roots of his hair for quite a while, though.

It'd been a bit more difficult than it should've been, considering that Sakuro kept his eyes closed as much as he could... but were one to ask Satsuki, she would always say it was a good thing.

At least he hadn't seen her blushing, too.

* * *

Next Chapter:

Naruto's virtue falls under question! Sakuro finds himself under fire from the Konoha populace! Rumors spread that he drugged Naruto and dragged her to a love hotel to have his wicked way with her, and charmed Satsuki into aiding him! He is burned in effigy by angry fanboys! And he has absolutely no idea why everyone's glaring at him so much!

Will he ever learn why? Will Sakuro survive the wrath of the fourth Hokage, whose daughter's virtue he (never) despoiled?! Learn the answers to these, and many other questions, next time, at the same fic time, same fic site!*

*Maybe. Not really. Kinda sorta no.

Also this is a pointlessly improperly worded long sentence just so that I can get to a round six thousand words chapter for lulz.


	6. Jiraiya Lied, What a Shocker

Grind to max out your innocents (1900 Statisticians, Sparring Partners, Trainers, Managers and Brokers).

Then use those innocents to max out your characters.

Then use those maxed out characters to max out your items.

-How To Play Disgaea, on grinding.

* * *

**Jiraiya Lied, What a Shocker**

A long and drawn out moan preceded Naruto's return to the land of the living and awake, even as she tried to ward off wakefulness by snuggling against her pillow. It didn't work, however, and soon she found herself rubbing her eyes.

If the world hadn't been swimming around her, she might've been able to recognize that she wasn't in her own room straight away. However, as everything focused, the first thing her eyes rested on was a rather well muscled back, as it was going up and down, every muscle straining and clenching as the arms connected to the shoulder muscles connected to the back muscles clenched, and lifted the powerful frame off the ground, pushing it up once more, before relaxing and letting the seemingly chiseled marble statue fall back down once more.

Naruto blinked, and her mind caught up with her eyes.

She was in an unfamiliar room. With an unfamiliar male's back staring at her. And by the headache pounding at her temples, she was nursing a hangover.

Actually, that was kind of the most important thing at the moment, as the pain stabbed at her suddenly and her hands flew to her temples, to rub them in a vain attempt to make the pain go away.

It wasn't really working.

"Sleeping beauty's up."

That voice she knew very well. "Y-You!" Naruto said, glaring at her hated rival, pointing a dainty finger at her. "You... you must've drugged me! Are you trying to ruin my reputation!? How low!"

"You got drunk all on your own, dumbass," Satsuki said, "it's not my fault you're so dumb."

"H-How dare you..!"

A quick move had the well muscled male with a naked torso leaping from his hands into the air, and a somersault had him landing softly on his also bare feet, on the plush carpet. "Oh. That's good. I was getting worried that you might be wrong."

"I'm never wrong!" Satsuki countered, glaring at the pink haired male.

Wait. Pink hair?

Oh. Right. She did have a male teammate who seemed like he'd been chiselled from marble. Right. Sakura. "Okay. Anyway, how are you feeling, Naruto? Are you okay? You were pretty drunk..."

"Of course I am! This hangover is nothing to the daughter of the great Yellow Flash!" Naruto explained, smiling proudly and crossing her arms. "But... why am I wearing these rags?" she asked, looking down on herself.

"R-Rags!?" Satsuki said, blinking and narrowing her eyes at Naruto. "You ungrateful little b-"

Satsuki was stopped from continuing her rant because she was hit in the face by the nightgown they'd put Naruto into earlier, and she absent mindedly noted the soft thud of Sakuro landing on his back. He had to be thankful he'd moved around the furniture so he didn't hit and break anything, 'cause she would've made him pay for it if he had.

Naruto looked around the room and quickly spotted her clothes, dressing without a care in the world, almost as if she'd forgotten that there was a male in the room. Of course, she had not, and simply didn't care.

She was a kunoichi, and shinobi, whether male or female, could not afford to be cowardly prudes. That was what her father had taught her, and he was the great Yellow Flash, the most feared Kage of them all, so of course he had to know what he was talking about.

Once dressed, Naruto stood proud once more. "What were we doing here..?" she asked, mostly herself.

"Looking for your godfather," Satsuki said, simply.

"Ah. Yes. Right. Then I know how to find him."

* * *

Satsuki had not expected Naruto to have such a clear, simple and well thought out answer to finding out where Jiraiya was in the casino.

She just asked around, who had seen either Jiraiya or at least a man in his fifties with spiky white hair and dressed in an outrageous manner. Some people, the ones who'd been around since early that morning, had seen a man fitting the description and directed them to where the guy had been seen. It didn't take long to follow the trail of breadcrumbs to find Jiraiya, who was seated alone on a poker table, chatting with the dealer.

Who happened to be an attractive young woman dressed in a skimpy bunny girl costume, with a bright red leotard and ears, a white, fluffy tail and very dark stockings.

"Oh. Hey, princess," Jiraiya said. "Took you guys a long, long time to find me. Did you get busy in the penthouse 'fore you got here?"

Sakuro went white as a sheet as soon as Jiraiya mentioned that.

"Oh ho," and Jiraiya then pounced. "Don't worry, boya, you're not gonna get any grief from me. So long as it's safe, sane and consensual, obviously. I mean, it's not like you took advantage of a drunken princess, right?"

The pink haired boy looked at Jiraiya like a deer would look at an eighteen wheeler's headlights.

"I'm just pulling your leg," the white haired man said. "Nobody's dumb enough to take advantage of the Hokage's daughter like that, and I would never expect that kind of stupidity from the top shinobi of his year," he said, chuckling lightly, "besides, the Nara here have been keeping an eye on you, to make damn sure nothing untoward happened to the princess."

"I can take care of myself," Naruto said, angrily, though the fact that she was still a little unsteady on her feet didn't help her make her point.

"No, you can't. That's what I'm supposed to fix," Jiraiya said.

"Uhm... Should we... fight for the bells, or something?" Sakuro asked.

"Fight? Hm. Nah. Don't wanna," Jiraiya said, smiling widely. "Even if you three worked together, you wouldn't be able to get them unless I let you, and if I let you, that would defeat the point, wouldn't it?" he asked, rubbing his chin. "Tell you what, I'll lend you guys a pile of chips each. Let's gamble. The two with the most chips at the end of the day gets a bell. Also, this counts me, as well, if I have the most chips, I'll keep both, but if I'm second, I'll keep only one. We're clear on this?"

"Yes, sir," Sakuro said. "But... I, ah, don't know how to play."

"No worries, cutie," the dealer said, offering him a smile that he supposed was used to melt the average gambler, "we'll be taking it slowly at first, so you can get used to it. We'll go gently, and then when you're ready, we'll pick up some speed and play a little harder. You'll be having loads of fun pretty soon, I promise," she said.

Jiraiya sounded like he'd sprung a leak for a few seconds, as he snorted into his hand.

"But I'm sure a strong lad like you can take some high pressure games, eh? I'm sure you'll do just fine, and last all the way through to the end. I'm gonna put my back on it, so you better satisfy me with your progress, okay?"

Sakuro nodded eagerly.

Jiraiya let out a few roars of laughter. "You're laying it on thick, eh?"

"I sure hope that's not the only thick I'm gonna lay tonight," the dealer returned.

"Heh. You're a lucky little guy, Sakuro-kun," Jiraiya said, extending his large hand to clap Sakuro on the back, forcing himself to turn around a little more on his stool, balancing precariously as he did.

Sakuro was almost knocked off his feet, as he was quite distracted when struck, but quickly righted himself.

"You're really popular amongst women, eh?" Satsuki taunted, an amused smile on her face. "Do I have to fear for my virtue? You've already taken Naruto's..."

"W-What?" Sakuro asked, red as a beet, eyes wide in shock and horror.

"Well, girls, what do you think? Are you gonna take this chance to be elite genin, or not?"

"Of course we are!" Naruto said, crossly.

"Right," Satsuki said, "we don't really have a choice, do we? I need to be an elite."

"I guess I could always back down... I don't really need to be an elite myself," he said, thinking about the career path he was most well suited to. ANBU didn't require it, and in fact, discouraged elites from joining the Black Ops.

"Yeah, no, we're not letting you back down," Satsuki said, glaring at him. "I'm not gonna be on a team with her, so you better win!"

Sakuro gulped.

The three sat on the provided stools, and a basic overview of the rules of poker, particularly the Tanzaku Hold'Em variety, which was the one they were playing, and they were all given a small pile of chips.

"I'm not made of cash, so it's only ten thousand Ryo for each of you. Try to make it last," Jiraiya said, a grin on his face.

Much like the bunny girl had told them at the start, they started off slowly, allowing Sakuro to get used to the rules of poker. While he wasn't completely unaware to how the game worked, it did take him a little bit of time to adjust to them. Two rounds after the game started, though, he was already getting into it, despite the small hiccup that resulted from him not knowing what the blind was.

A few rounds after that, though, a clear trend was starting to show, and he could accurately predict what the other three would do based on their specific tells.

Satsuki lied a lot, and had generally terrible luck on top of that. Unfortunately, her bluff heavy strategy ran into the road block that was Naruto, who usually did, in fact, have good cards, and who couldn't lie to save her life. It soon became clear that Sakuro would reap the benefits of Naruto and Satsuki competting with each other, as they were effectively more focused on knocking the other off the game than in beating Jiraiya.

The man himself was looking at everything with a smile, and was the hardest to read, but Sakuro had very good eyesight, and could see that whenever Jiraiya had a good hand and was keeping silent about it, his nose would twitch in a certain way, and while he was bluffing with a poor hand, he tended to smile more widely and showing more teeth.

The game was picking up speed, and Sakuro could tell that the bet was getting a bit higher every time, and Sakuro soon found himself rather low on the totem pole.

Despite her constant losses to Naruto, Satsuki was actually doing fairly good for herself, as Jiraiya had clearly not cared to win very much, and had managed to consistently lose money every round, while Sakuro himself found that Satsuki's single minded focus on simply beating Naruto wound up making her a fair bit unpredictable as the distance between the two females of Team 13 grew. Satsuki was playing more aggressively the more she lost, which allowed her to make one or two big wins that had catapulted her back to second place.

And Sakuro had been so sure she'd been bluffing, too...

The dealer, meanwhile, was getting more and more amused the more that Team 13's females continued to compete with each other.

Soon enough, however, came a big chance for Sakuro.

He was absolutely certain that both Naruto and Satsuki were bluffing. Naruto's confidence was clearly shaky, and Satsuki's was too forced. Jiraiya was not bluffing, though, and he had to have a pretty good hand.

With three aces, the queen and jack of hearts on the table, Sakuro was quite certain that Jiraiya had to have a good hand. He most likely had the remaining ace to make the Poker complete.

But it was okay.

Because when Jiraiya smugly showed his cards, a meaningless four of clubs and the ace of clubs to accompany it, Sakuro smiled brightly and showed his own.

The ten and king of Hearts.

Neither Naruto nor Satsuki had allowed the other to fold, obviously both thinking that the other was bluffing and would fold, totally forgetting that they were playing on a table with two others. Both had actually lost a great deal of cash. As had Jiraiya, calling their bet.

Which was the reason why Sakuro was now sitting at twenty seven thousand Ryo's worth of chips.

Following this, Sakuro simply refused to play, and lose, big. The only times he actually raised a bet or even called a relatively high bet was if he had a relatively decent hand. Soon enough, the game had moved some more, and he was sitting at no less than thirty thousand Ryo's worth of chips.

Naruto and Satsuki, both shaken at the sudden shift of dynamics, had soon found out what happened when Jiraiya stopped screwing around. The white haired man soon won back most of what he had lost, leaving him holding eight thousand in chips himself.

Naruto had only managed to survive to hold the remaining two thousand on sheer, dumb luck, while the last round had officially knocked Satsuki out of the game, leaving her as the one who would not become an elite.

She was clearly not happy at this.

Feeling guilty that it'd been him who costed her the lead that would've allowed her to remain an elite, Sakuro offered to let her borrow some of his chips, and pay him back once she got back on her feet.

"We're having a lot of fun," Sakuro said, smiling easily at her, "and you can pay me back later, once you win back enough to do it, okay?"

"I can't accept that," Satsuki said, a grimace on her face. "You won it fair and square. I lost, and I'm never going to be an elite. That's it," she said, clearly trying to sound neutral, but bitter venom quickly crept into her voice as she talked, ending with her nearly yelling, clenching her fist.

"You're gonna give up so easily?!" Naruto protested, scandalized.

"Yes. I am. I lost," Satsuki said, glaring at her, "and you're gonna lose too, soon enough!" she said.

"Never! I'm the daughter of the Yellow Flash! I never lose!" Naruto said.

"Nevermind that she's lost money in the last six rounds..." Sakuro noted, frowning uncomfortably. "But she's right. It's not time to give up yet. You can still win. Take a thousand, you'll pay me back once you win enough, and then it'd be like nothing happened."

"I don't want your charity!" Satsuki finally yelled, "I don't need yours, or anybody's, pity!"

"It's not pity. You're my friend, and you've been nice to me, so I thought I could do something nice for you in return," Sakuro said, slumping slightly.

"Picking on those weaker than yourself? How despicable!" Naruto said, glaring at Satsuki. "I can't believe I considered someone as wretched as you as my rival!"

"What... I'm not picking on him!" Satsuki said.

"Yes, you are! You're being rude to him because you know Sakura-kun won't knock some sense into you! Well, I will!" Naruto said, hopping off her stool and walking up to the still surly looking Satsuki, clearly intending to follow up on her words.

"Hey, hey, girlies, no need to start a catfight on me," Jiraiya said, grabbing the backs of their clothes, stopping them just before Naruto's fist made contact. "Something wrong, princess? you're more violent than usual."

"Jisan, I have a pounding headache, and her attitude is not making it easy to hold my temper in check," Naruto said, petulantly.

"And you, Satchan, from what I hear from Kakashi, you hardly ever quit at anything you set out to do. So how come you're giving up now?" Jiraiya wondered, frowning at her, and pulling her up by the back of her sweater.

"Don't call me that!" Satsuki said, "I didn't give up! I lost! Everything I've been working on for the last eight years was meaningless because I lost a goddamn poker game! All my training was pointless because none of it helped me to win in a game of chance! So what's the point!? You clearly never intended to actually test us, you're just trying to get rid of one of us and left it to chance! I promised everyone I would be the greatest Clan Head there's ever been... and now that dream is ruined because of YOU!"

"Woah there, girl," Jiraiya said, "I would've thought you of all people could tell I was bullshitting you all the way in."

"W-What!?" Satsuki was stopped as she was gearing up for another rant, all of a sudden.

"Yeah. I never tested you guys. I don't intend to. I'm just fucking with you three, and introducing you guys to the shinobi vices. You know, where most of your paychecks are going to be spent," Jiraiya said, putting her down and patting her shoulder. "You guys are a premade team for a reason. Splitting you up would've defeated the point of shuffling the teams so you three wound up together, wouldn't it?"

"Oh. That makes a lot of sense, actually," Sakuro said, nodding his head, "all the teams seem to have been made with some purpose in mind, and the students tend to have compatible specialties."

"We try to put students with similar skillsets together," Jiraiya said, nodding at the pink haired boy, "and give them a sensei with a similar focus. Trying to keep them able to deal with everything they might come across is also important, so that's why you see a Hyuuga, an Inuzuka and an Aburame on the same team. Close, Mid and Long Range are all covered, but they all have a focus on tracking, with a minor focus in non-lethal capture. That's a hunter squad right there. Though, originally, you were going to be in Kiba's role. Your father's abilities were very varied, but if you'd been on that squad, Kurenai would've put a lot more emphasis on your ability to create restraints from your chakra than anything else. If we'd used Naruto, Kurenai would've worked on learning how Naruto's mother's Chakra Chains work. And if it'd been Satsuki, she would've probably worked with lightning, trying to use it to paralyze instead of fry."

"Oh," Sakuro said.

"Though those two were always meant to be put in a squad together, they were originally going to be under Kakashi. This here squad's purpose is very simple. We're supposed to utterly and absolutely crush the opposition. All three of you can, on some level, perform any task you're set to, or can at least learn to do it, but all three of you excell on one thing more than anything else."

At this, both Satsuki and Naruto looked to be listening just as intently as Sakuro was.

"All three of you have your own, speciifc brand of ninjutsu that renders you a terrifying opponent to face for any shinobi. While we are adaptive in the extreme, every shinobi has a very specific fear, coming across an opponent they can't counter, an opponent that has a bloodline limit or secret technique that they're not familiar with. Because the unknown is the hardest thing to adapt to. And that's why all three of your specialties are undocumented. You three are Konoha's trump card. You're the ones who will succeed me and Tsunade as Konoha's three legendary ninja, though, if we're lucky, you won't have an Orochimaru in your ranks."

"That is... surprisingly frank and straightforward," Naruto commented, a bit confused. "I thought you were all about subterfuge and being sneaky, like a proper ninja?"

"Of course I am! But doing that with your allies is just counter productive. It would be hard to trust me if I weren't honest with you guys when I'm being serious, right? I might screw with you from time to time, but you can trust that I have your best interests in mind. And speaking about that," he said, digging into his vest's pockets, the bells that were still attached to it jingling as it moved with his hand.

Jiraiya pulled out a tablet of aspirine, and then passed it to Naruto. "I half expected one or two of you to be nursing a hangover. Didn't think it'd be you, Princess. Heh. We best not let Minato know that I got you drunk, eh? I like my testicles right where they are."

At this, Sakuro chuckled nervously. The Fourth Hokage was legendary for many things, and one of them was how overprotective of his daughter the man could be. If anyone gave the man the misconception that Sakuro had drugged his daughter and then raped her, the pink haired boy would most likely quietly disappear and the only thing that would remain of him would be his screams, begging for death.

"Anyway, you guys can keep any money that you have remaining. You're free for the rest of the day. Meet me tomorrow in front of the Hokage Tower. We'll take our first mission and do our training all at once. For now, dismissed. Anything more you spend's gonna come out of your own pockets."

The three members of team 13 nodded.

"Good. Now scram, I have work to do," Jiraiya said with a grin.

Before they could leave, however, the bunny girl that'd served as their dealer put a hand on Sakuro's shoulder. "Oi, cutie, I get off work in two hours. Call me, maybe?"

Sakuro blushed once more, but when he looked to his teammates for help, they were both simply amused.

* * *

None of them remained behind, though they began to separate, each going a different direction, immediately at the door. However, Sakuro frowned and stopped both of his female teammates. "Hey. Since we've got the rest of the day free, and we've been going around... maybe we can make this a team outing?"

Satsuki frowned. "Well... we are officially Team 7 now..."

Naruto shook her head, however. "I have had enough of the life of the peasantry for one day. I want to return to my mansion."

The Uchiha of the group scowled.

Sakuro scratched the back of his neck and grinned slightly. "I guess that's okay, too."

"I don't care. The less I have to deal with you for, the better," Satsuki said. "I suppose it's just you and me, Sakuro-kun," she said, nodding at the pink haired boy.

"Eheh, it's almost like a date," Sakuro said, chuckling a bit.

"It's not like I'm going out with you... I'm just thanking you for offering to help me back there, okay?" Satsuki said, though the stern tone she was using was a bit undermined by the light dusting of red on her cheeks. "That's why you get to go out with me. Nothing else! It's not like I like you or anything!"

Sakuro chuckled a bit more and scratched the back of his neck, blushing a little as he did.

"I'll leave you to your peasant lives, then," Naruto said, simply, a smug expression on her face. "I suppose if you are going to spend the rest of the afternoon rolling in the hay - that is your prerogative."

"W-What!?" Satsuki said, her left eye twitching a little, before she took a deep breath. "No. I'm calm. I'm collected. I'm controlled. I will not explode someone just because she deserves to be exploded," she said to herself, taking a deep breath once more.

"Hay?" Sakuro asked, frowning in confusion.

"Ah? Don't you know? Satsuki here - she is from a noble clan, but her notoriously poor handling of her clan's fortune lead to her losing the majority of it," Naruto said. "Whereas my father's rising star lead us to the lap of luxury from nothing but the rags he had on his back. Truly he is the mightiest among the mighty," Naruto siad, nodding to herself.

"That's Kakashi's fault! He's the one that kept charging my account for his own expenses!" Satsuki countered.

"Oh, and your jewel fetish has nothing to do with your massive expense, I'm sure," Naruto said, rollling her eyes.

"Jewel fetish?" Sakuro asked, his confusion only growing.

"I need them for my research," Satsuki replied, glaring at Naruto. "But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? There's nothing between your ears!"

"You're implying that I-"

"Princess!"

However, Naruto's reply was cut off, as someone came barreling in, a blurry streak of blue skidding to a stop right in front of them. "Hm... Konohamaru?" Naruto looked somewhat confused. "Shouldn't you be with Ebisu at this moment?"

"I ditched that pervert!" the newly named young child said, offering Team 13 a grin. "Oh, hey, Princess, this is your team, right? They're only gonna hold you down! You should've waited until I could graduate! That way, you could have a real team, with me and Udon!" Konohamaru said, his tone practically telling everyone his boast was empty. He was too boisterous to properly sell it.

"Ebisu is a pervert..?" Naruto asked, looking somewhat confused.

"Err no he's not I swear," Konohamaru said, quickly, shaking his hands wildly as if to distract Naruto, "anyway, I want to train with you, Princess, not Ebisu! He's boring!"

"Study is always boring, Konohamaru-kun, that is true, but if you want to be a good and proper vassal then you must be ready, and willing, to do all the boring and annoying tasks I'd delegate to you," Naruto lectured, crossing her arms over her plentiful chest and accidentally pressing her twins together as she threw her head back and smiled smugly, giving an impression of superiority, "that's what it takes to be a ninja!"

Konohamaru seemed starstruck.

"Of course she'd be good with kids. She's practically a big kid herself," Satsuki said, shaking her head.

Sakuro merely smiled warmly. "It's really nice to see her relaxing and playing like this. She always looks like she's really tense and..." he looked at Satsuki.

"Yeah, yeah. It's not the first time I see something like that. She does that from time to time," Satsuki said, waving her hand.

"Huh? Whatchoo talkin' about?" Konohamaru asked, butting into that conversation.

"Ah, well..." Sakuro started, looking for the proper words to explain it.

"Naruto broke down and wailed like a baby for a while after she got drunk. It was hilarious," Satsuki said, grinning at Naruto's face as it fell.

"I did not-" Naruto protested, but she was once more interrupted by Konohamaru.

"DAMMIT!" Konohamaru screamed. "You got to see Naruto-sama's moe moe crying face!? he protested, before falling to his knees and weeping over dramatically. "Dammit, you lucky bastard!" he yelled, pointing at Sakuro, "you got to see the princess at her cutest! I won't forgive this! You won't take her from me! She's mine, you hear? All mine!"

"Say, what?" Sakuro asked, noticing that Konohamaru was pointing at him.

"Don't blame him, all he did was just stand there while Naruto went and dripped snot all over him," Satsuki said, smiling slyly.

"W-W-WHAT!?" Konohamaru screamed, before he threw himself to the ground. "Why Princess why? Please talk to me, please! I'm your humble, loyal servant, so you should only cry on MY shoulder!" he protested, looking at Naruto, who still seemed to be protesting Satsuki's declaration, but who went ignored.

"Uh... I guess her crying face is cute, too, but I think her smile is prettier," Sakuro noted, thinking about what Konohamaru had said. "Though her blush is cute too," he added, looking at Naruto who, surprise surprise, was blushing brightly. "Yeah! Just like that," Sakuro said, nodding.

"Okay, heartbreaker, you'll get your chance to try and get into Naruto's panties at a later date," Satsuki said, scowling as she grabbed Sakuro's wrist, starting to lead him away, "let's leave Naruto and her boytoy behind and have some fun."

"Eh? Are you jealous, Satsuki-san?" Sakuro asked, tilting his head a little, looking a bit confused. "But you shouldn't be. You're really cute too," he said, offering her a warm, easy smile.

"S-Shut up!" Satsuki said, flushing a little, "It's not like I'm jealous you're paying more attention to her or anything, okay!?" she said, glaring at Sakuro.

"Well damn you're good," Konohamaru said. "But I won't let you win and take both Satsuki and the princess all to yourself! You'll see - I'll tell Udon, and then we'll teach you a lesson!"

"Don't go misunderstanding things, you little -" Satsuki said, growling angrily.

However, Konohamaru had already turned around and left, leaving a dust trail as he left the exact same way he'd arrived.

"I wonder what he originally wanted," Sakuro wondered, rubbing his chin.

"What does it matter? It probably wasn't all that important," Satsuki said, shrugging her shoulders, "Anyway, let's go!"

"Enjoy your date, then," though unlike the last time Naruto had implied so, she no longer looked smug and amused. Instead, there was clearly something bothering her.

However, Satsuki didn't think it was all that important, and just threw her rival a dirty look along with a grin, before pulling Sakuro by his wrist again.

"Bye," Sakuro said, waving as he allowed Satsuki to pull away.

* * *

"Eet iz confirmed! 'E was seen! My spies, zey 'no zeir jobs!"

"That monster... taking our future wives to such places, to defile them!"

"So, then..." a blond young man with bulging muscles began, looking around. In the penumbra of the dark, candlelit room, all that was visible was his companions, both of whom were throwing off the hooded cloaks that they'd been wearing when they entered the room

A smaller boy with purplish hair and the brown uniform of a cvivilian school frowned. "Yes."

The third, a foppish blond in a three piece suit with odd ornaments for his shoulders and a single coattail, nodded and set a doll he held on the table in front of them. "Let zis be e' symbol! 'E is our enemy, an' we weel not accept defeet!" he said, slamming his hand against the table.

"We will not surrender!" the other blond stated.

Then, the purplish haired boy pulled out a small phial, uncorked it and poured its contents over the doll, grinning in a nasty manner.

The muscly blond pulled out a small matchbox from his pocket, pulling out one match. "We will make you pay, you waifu stealer!"

He quickly lit one of the matches and dropped it on top of the doll. It burst into flames, the liquid soaking it being highly flammable.

The doll, made of cloth, quickly burned to ashes, leaving only a dark stain on the fireproof table beneath. An unnoticeable stain amongst the many others, of many different shapes, textures and colors, that littered the table.

"They will be ours!" the purplish haired young man added, punching the table himself. "Naru-chan and Sat-chan, Konoha's idols, need true men! Men who will love them the way they need to be loved!"

"Yeah!" the large blond said, pumping his fist.

"Men 'o deserve zem, like us!" the foppish blond added.

The same large blond cheered again.

"Men who know how to put them in their place, on their knees in front of us, with our dicks up their-"

"Dude! What the fuck!?" the cheering was stopped when the large blond seemed outright shocked at that.

"Just think about it," the purplish haired teen said, grinning lecherously. "With a little training, and some conditioning, you could have them eager to please our every whim! Just try to picture it - you come back home, after a hard day's work at wherever you get a job at, and when you come home, you see both of them, naked appron style, with a wonderful spread for dinner, and then, hugging each other, rubbing against each other's bodies, they ask "would you like a bath, dinner, or us?"!" the man said, grinning lecherously as he imagined, rubbing his hands against each other.

Both of the other two chuckled perversely as they imagined the idea, twin trickles of blood trailing down to their mouths from their nostrils.

"And just try to think about it, when you answer "I'd like you two,"..." the speaker continued. "Just try to imagine it, Naruto going to her knees with a happy smile on her face, undoing your belt with her soft hands, pulling your pants down, and just nuzzling against your crotch, as if it's the greatest, most beautiful thing she's ever seen, while Satsuki gets started on your shirt, button by button, while you explore her mouth with your tongue... And then, you feel a soft breeze - your underwear's gone, and then all you can feel is the most wonderful heat and softness in the world, and when Satsuki lets you go and pulls back to remove your shirt fully, you look down, and see Naruto, with her breasts wrapped around your manhood, looking up with love and adoration for you, as if her entire purpose in life was solely to give you pleasure.

"She's loving every second of it, and you know it, but you can't focus solely on her, so while one of your hands goes to the back of her head, to push her until you can feel her nose poking your body, to guide her where you want her to be, the other hand sneaks behind Satsuki, and you knead the soft flesh of her butt, so firm, yet so delightfully soft, all at once, before moving on, teasing her core from behind, softly, only to keep her excited, only to find out that she's soaked all the way through.

"She's ready, and she wants it. She wants it bad. "Koibito," she gasps, "I want it, I want it so much! Give it to me! Give it to me hard, and long and-" but you silence her with a kiss, and then push her on her back, so she lays against the ground. You pull Naruto back by her hair, and she looks at you with love even through the pain.

"She helps you out of your pants, but when you reach for a condom, she stops you. "We want your children, Koibito, we want dozens of your children!" she says, excitedly, and you can't help but go with it. So then you kneel, holding yourself just above Satsuki's folds. You rub your head against her, moistening your tip. She's gushing, so it's easy, but you know that she's impossibly tight. Retired though she might be, she's still a trained shinobi, and she still trains so she can keep fit and attractive for you. You can hear her whimper, softly, as you deny her the prize she wants so much.

"You can't deny her anymore, when she looks at you, begging you to give it to her. And you want to hear her - you want to hear her voice, her moans, her gasps, her yells. You want to hear her scream, and so with baited breath, you push all the way in in one single stroke, parting her folds at once, and you can hear her scream-"

"SHINJI-KUN!"

The sound of the 'mood setting' music being stopped all of a sudden, but the other two merely groaned and slumped on their chairs.

The purple haired young man cringed. "Mom! I'm busy!"

"Are you talking with your friends again, Shinji? Ask them if they want to stay for dinner!"

* * *

Next Chapter:

Who are these mysterious, charming and gentlemanly strangers? What are their aims, their objectives? What is their motivation?

The heroes must scramble to protect the virtue of the heroines from these charismatic and fiendishly handsome men.

Will Sakuro manage to protect his teammates from these seducers? Will they get away with their devilish designs?

The answers to those questions, and many more, await you in the next chapter!


End file.
